So you just got dumped? Here’s a sure fire way to cement your place as a stepping stone in your ex’s quest to “find himself”:
1. A few days have gone by and there’s no word from the man of your dreams (MOYD)? NO problem! The next time he calls you, make sure you have a fresh, clean outfit by the door to cut the lag time between you hanging up the phone and being naked in his bed. After all, when he says he’s hungry, it means he’s hungry.
2. Has he always had a nack for telling you which of your friends he’d like to bone? PERFECT! This is your opportunity to prove how “chill” and “laid back” you are. Offer to try and arrange a get together between the two of them. Maybe even offer to drop him off and pick him up. Be a good girl.
3. So he got drunk a time or six and happened to call you a “whore” or “slut,” or if you’re lucky, a “dirty c*#%.” Maybe it’s time to reevaluate your life and cut down on your bad behavior.
4. Did a fresh load of laundry just pop out of his dryer? What’s a better way to celebrate the fresh load he just let out on your back than to spend your time folding and hanging all of his unique and creative frat tanks? You WILL be rewarded…potentially.
5. Haven’t heard from him in a few days? Spotted him making out with a hard six across the bar? Prove how strong and forgiving you are by following him home when he tells you, “It’s time you should go.” Maybe even buy him a slice of pizza for the walk over. It’ll help him put the situation behind him. He won’t think twice about it!
6. Does ex-babe still have your Spotify password? Do you guys often end up in a musical tug-o-war of listening privileges until he ends up sending you a romantic text like “This is the only way I know how to get laid, so hop the fuck off”? Show him you care about his well-being by picking up a new creative hobby, like reading or self-mutilation.
7. Pre-break up: Were you often the source of exquisite home-cooked meals that didn’t resemble a malnourished chicken rolled around in some dried herbs on a bed of white rice (his specialty)? Make sure the ex-babe is still receiving proper nutrients and a fine selection of proteins (per his request) with a to-go container at his doorstep, as he has already mentioned he’s too busy “studying” and “masturbating” to join you at the table.
8. Has he told you one too many times that your constant need to express your feelings is overwhelming? Diaries are a quick and easy way to guarantee that your emotions don’t interfere with his me-time.
9. Is his family in town? Does he need someone to divert the attention away the from the fact that his “hopes” for the future are crumbling right beneath his feet? Take one for the team and get blasted at the bar off some recalled Fireball to the point of “shoe-puking” (aka puking in one’s shoe). The parents will be so consumed with stroking your baby hairs like a newborn to bring you back to life to even think about the fact that their son’s law school dreams are going down the tubes, one inappropriate article at a time…Oh he uses a pseudonym and a REAL picture of himself, that’s soooooo smart. Nobody will ever know.
10. Speaking of inappropriate articles: Does your ex happen to be a self-proclaimed master of the offensive written word? Have you often been the source of his inspiration for everything, from his exposé on proper toilet paper folding etiquette to the best post-coitus playlist? Instead of sending the standard, “Babe, I’m gonna fuckin kill you,” or “ONLY ONE BLOW JOB TONIGHT” text, do your man a solid and write some comments with extreme criticism before sharing it via your social media outlets to all your friends and loved ones. Oh how convenient, you have 1,137 mutual friends!