Your personal guide to finding a kickass new job

Leo was raised with the perfect balance of pop culture obsession and a total lack of athleticism. He spends most of his time trying to decide what show to watch next, giving up, and then putting on Chopped or Seinfeld.

His parents thought he’d be a doctor or lawyer until he wrote his SAT essay explaining the entire plot of the show “Lost.” Leo now works in NYC and fulfills his desperate need for attention by writing articles and playing with leashed dogs waiting for their owner to get out of Starbucks.

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As summer winds down, many of us are wondering…what’s next in life? It might be your senior year of college about to have “real” job interviews, or maybe you’re tired of staring at the same people everyday and seeing pictures of Pam’s baby for the 300th time (…we get it Pam, no one cares that it’s your third kid). The problem is job hunting is the same for everyone: a soul draining process. We created this guide to walk you through and get you that kickass new job.

 

The Application Process

Step 1: WTF is my LinkedIn password?

As mentioned in a previous article, LinkedIn is terrible. Every profile picture looks like each person is competing to be the next branch manager at Dunder Mifflin.

“It’s not what you know but who you know…” is probably one of the most tragic but true cliches in the world.

People can get you into the room where it happens and LinkedIn lets you throw that invite to your sister’s roommate’s dad’s cousin’s nephew’s brother who works in HR.

 

Step 2: Hey…so call me sometime?

Tinder and Bumble’s greatest contribution to society is making casual rejection a part of our daily lives.

Job applications are like creating a dating profile for each person that you’re honestly not even sure you’re that into yet. You methodically write all the words you know they want to hear. You redo your resume hundreds of times and throw in phrases like “collaboration” and “strategic thinking” but much like that new Tinder picture you spent an hour editing on Photoshop…seemingly no gives a shit.

The worst part is that most applications are first scanned by a program called ATS (Applicant Tracking System) before it even reaches an actual human. While there is some great advice out there on how to get pass this, usually including “All Hail Our Computer Overlords” at the top of every resume and does the trick.

 

The Interview Process

You’ve made it to the first date! Technically, it’s called an “interview” but much like a first date, it’s two people who only know a little bit about each other, get dressed up, and it’s never at a restaurant in case one of them wants to bail early. Interviews are brain games that can take years to master, but we’ve dissected some of the most overused questions that your interviewer might ask.

 

Why do you want to work for us?

One of the worst questions an interviewer can ask because come on…it’s so that we’re not penniless and stuck living in a van down by the river.

The reason that I’m not interviewing with your competitor is not because of some unique advantage your company offers…it’s probably because those guys just didn’t call me back.

 

What is your greatest achievement?

Everything we do is either because someone first taught us how to, someone put us in the environment to learn by ourselves, or we did it as part of a team. This question is a true test in how selfish can you talk about something without sounding too much like a dick.

It’s all about balance and poise.

 

What do you expect to make?

What they really mean is that they’d like to pay you nothing but there’s “laws and stuff” so what’s the lowest we can pay you? They know you’re not into this for just the money…. as long as you know that they’ll be keeping most of it.

 

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Five years is way too far to think ahead before you’ve even set your first foot in this place. Your interviewer is asking whether you’re ready to settle down there and all you’re thinking is….

Be a little vague, be a little mysterious, or you can just lie to them… I mean that cable bill is not gonna pay itself.

 

Sell me this pen…

Some jerk watched “The Wolf of Wall Street” once and wants to see if you can quote a Leo DiCaprio movie. I’d be careful that your interviewer doesn’t want you to “draw them like one of your french girls” too.

But then, you get that call back, sign that offer letter, and…you’re in! You’ve made it! Although you might have had eight existential crises on the way here…you persevered and are now at your (hopefully) awesome new place.

Now it’s time to relax, get settled, and as we’re the most likely generation to keep trying new roles and finding the right company… get ready to do this all again way too soon.

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