Your Guide To The Kardashian Family Tree, Featuring Blac Chyna And Rob Kardashian

Becca Van Sambeck

Becca is a recent Fordham grad, a former German beer hall girl, and a new Brooklyn resident who used to read the dictionary for fun as a kid. She has only gotten slightly less lame since then. She loves pugs, chicken fingers, reading and Game of Thrones.

It’s been said that the Kardashians are America’s royal family, and much like the royal families of old, their family tree is really fucking confusing, filled as it is with failed marriages, incest and differing reality shows. The arrival of the first baby Kardashian has only complicated matters, so we’re providing you with a simple guide to keeping it all straight.

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It Starts With

Robert Kardashian: The lawyer most recently immortalized in The People vs. O.J. He died awhile ago, before seeing his name become synonymous with “trash,” which many would say is the handy work of…

Kris Jenner: Robert’s blushing bride, who would divorce him after having four children with him, just to marry…

Bruce Jenner: An Olympian runner who would pop up on the show sporadically to show off the horrors of too much plastic surgery until he transitioned into..

Caitlyn Jenner: After much debate on Bruce’s gender identity, he came out as a trans woman on the cover of Vanity Fair, supposedly with the support of his children with his second wife who he had….

Brandon Jenner, Burt Jenner, Casey Jenner: But yeah, Caitlyn’s first crop of kids are pretty boring, except for…

Brody Jenner: Who was one of our first reality stars as Lauren Conrad’s dreamy boyfriend on The Hills, although he never quite achieved the fame of …

Kim Kardashian: The middle child whose sex tape with Ray J and incredible ass would deem the family worthy of a reality show, giving fame to…

Kourtney Kardashian: Her older sister, who has offered us hundreds of perfect eye-rolling gifs and…

Khloe Kardashian: Her younger sister, who was once the more normal, funny one, until losing a lot of weight, which could serve as inspiration for…

Rob Kardashian: Their brother, who gained a ton of weight and was rumored to be suffering from depression, shying away from the show and becoming estranged from the family.

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Then There’s…

Kendall Jenner: The eldest of Kris and Caitlyn’s children together, who is basically known as the skinny model one, unlike her sister…

Kylie Jenner: Who has become something of a Snapchat queen, achieving a bizarre type of fame for her huge lips, apparently taking pointers from sister Kim: Enviable body parts make money.

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Of Course, The Significant Others

Scott Disick: A guy whose only job is to wander around clubs like a ghost of good times past and somehow fathered three kids with Kourtney, despite being a visible alcoholic wreck on TV, surpassed only by…

Lamar Odom: The basketball star Khloe married after knowing for only one month, and while neither their marriage or reality show were meant to last, Lamar’s name has stayed in connection with Khloe, thanks to his drug addiction and recent near-death experience that Khloe has helped him through, unlike another basketball star…

Kris Humphries: Who infamously married Kim Kardashian for a whopping 72 hours after a lavish wedding ceremony, and is now persona non grata to the Kardashian Klan, as they’ve upgraded to…

Kanye West: A rapper most famous for his song “Gold Digger” and jumping on stage at the VMAs to diss Taylor Swift, who recently married Kim Kardashian and has completely changed her entire wardrobe, intent on seeing her as a piece of art, making it no wonder why…

Amber Rose: A stripper-turned-model, broke up with Kanye years ago, but she still somehow manages to start Twitter feuds with them, alongside her BFF….

Blac Chyna: A model who’s currently engaged to Rob Kardashian and was once a great friend of Khloe and Kim, until her ex-boyfriend and baby daddy…

Tyga: A broke one-hit wonder rapper who started dating their very underage sister, creating a whole war between Blac and Rob and the rest of the family, as Tyga and Kylie’s relationship is almost as weird as Kourtney’s occasional fling with…

Justin Bieber: You know, the most famous male pop star today, is barely 21, loves causing problems, was once friends with the Jenner girls, and now supposedly fucks Kourtney Kardashian on the semi-reg. Hm.

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And Also, The Heirs to The Kardashian Dynasty…

Mason Disick: The firstborn of Lord Scott and Kourtney was literally born on camera, as was his little sister….

Penelope Disick: Who is an adorable toddler with an even more adorable baby brother….

Reign Disick: A baby with possibly the douchiest name ever, except for cousin…

North West: The daughter of Kanye and Kim, whose name is almost as stupid as brother…

Saint West: The younger son of Kim and Kanye, who yeah, predictably has the stupidest name, but we’ll have to wait for…

Blac’s Baby: Yes, the baby that Rob and Blac are expecting, and who knows what a woman who named herself Blac Chyna will name a poor, helpless newborn.

A photo posted by Blac Chyna (@blacchyna) on

So there you have it. Kylie’s niece or nephew will now be half siblings with the child of her ex-boyfriend (if Kylie and Tyga get back together again). She will always be tenuously related to her onetime rapper boyfriend. Your dating life might get complicated, but at least you’re not becoming legit family with that crazy ex who wouldn’t leave you and your boyfriend alone. Oof.

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