Where Are The Characters From Your Favorite Childhood Books Now?

Becca Van Sambeck
Becca is a recent Fordham grad, a former German beer hall girl, and a new Brooklyn resident who used to read the dictionary for fun as a kid. She has only gotten slightly less lame since then. She loves pugs, chicken fingers, reading and Game of Thrones.

We always think about where the characters of our favorite childhood TV shows are now, but what about the characters in our favorite childhood books? Let’s be honest, most of these stories were disappointingly predictable — Cinderella, Snow White and the Princess with her stupid pea all found their Prince Charming and lived happily after ever.

But those aren’t the characters we’re thinking about today. We’re talking about the real underdog classics; the ones that we only think about when someone brings them up once in a blue moon.

Here is what happened to some of our beloved childhood book characters after you read that last sentence.

 

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Turns out the desire to gorge himself wasn’t just your typical childhood growing pains as any casual observer probably would’ve told you! The very hungry caterpillar has turned into a very, very large butterfly. In fact, he weighs four pounds. There’s no flying for this big guy. But don’t cry for someone who puts the butter in butterfly — he genuinely loves his nights in with Food Network and cheese. An inspiration to us all.

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The Giving Tree

SHOCKER OF THE CENTURY: GUY WHO FEASTS OFF THE FLESH OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM IS A REAL JERK!

The boy at the center of The Giving Tree has never heard “no” in his life. His hobbies include talking on the cellphone during movies and cutting people in line at Starbucks. He wants to vote for Donald Trump. He owns a business that profits off rain forest demolition. “What tree?” he asks, genuinely confused, when confronted with his past.

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Matilda

Oh, poor Matilda — she found out the hard way that what’s cute and precocious as a child is often odd and awkward as an adult. She pushed away any potential friends by being a real know-it-all bitch during the bar trivia she dragged all of her work acquaintances to. One time, her team lost and she set the place on fire…WITH HER BRAIN. She is currently a single and owns a bird. She does not have visitors.

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Is My Mama A Llama?

As you may have guessed, baby llama has grown into an adult llama with severe identity issues. He is still not fully convinced that he is a llama. Experimenting a lot with the idea that he might be a dog. It’s going alright.

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Green Eggs and Ham

Sam-I-Am made a huge mistake in forcing his friend to eat green eggs and ham. Now his friend only eats green eggs and ham and never really goes out to eat because it’s often not on the menu and impossible to even request at most places. As you might guess, this has negatively impacted his social life. He tries to convince his few remaining friends to come to his home for dinner parties, but he’s just really inflexible with the menu. He remains hopeful that someone will eventually say yes out of guilt. *one day*

As for Sam-I-Am, he eventually got arrested for drug pushing.

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Alexander and The Terrible, Horrible No Good, Very Bad Day

Alexander is now a “motivational speaker.” He refuses to let his followers use the phrase “bad day.”

“Those are only good days wearing a costume,” he says sagely. He uses his hands a lot and has that terrifying glint in his eyes that says, “I’m never not on cocaine!”

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

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