I remember the first time I played spin the bottle. Like the first REAL game, where everyone made a silent oath that no matter what destiny the bottle ultimately chose, tongues were going in mouths.
I sat down Indian style, stretched my maroon Hollister waffle shirt over my knees so nobody would be able to see me trying to stash away my little wiener like it was a raspberry lemonade push pop.
A few jabroni’s went before me, so by the time it was my turn I was entirely confident with how much force I’d have to apply for my spin to land on the target. The target was Monica. Oh, Monica. Mi empanda dulce. Mi pedacito de cielo.
She must have been wearing 2 bras and 7 spaghetti straps. She was absolutely perfect. Fate did what it does and we were up. She came in real hot. Her mouth was wide open, tongue stiff as a board, and right before I closed my eyes I caught a glance of what looked like a mixture of crumbled Fritos and brownies under her tongue, but it was too late to turn back. I was a man about it; I didn’t want to embarrass her, so I didn’t voice my anxiety to the other (disturbingly horny) participants.
The next day in school, I got news of a rumor going around that not only am I an awful kisser, but my push pop somehow broke free mid-kiss and gently caressed Monica’s belly button. What a lying whore!
We men do our best to be men. If a girl gives a bad blow job, we don’t go around telling our boys that we got a bad blow job, we just say we got a blow job! But you girls, ya’ll be ruthless man. And we got feelings. And we know what you be tellin’ your girls during brunch:
“Lol, he kept his socks on the whole time”
“He asked me to put the condom on him, some nerve!”
“I can’t believe he pushed my head down, we had only been making out for like 45 min.”
Ya’ll are mean. And now it’s time to spill the god damn beans with the shit WE don’t like.
1. When you ask “did you finish yet?”
Listen, I bring the ruckus to the ladies, but I’m no porn star. I really don’t have the motivation or the physical capabilities to keep pumping after I’ve scored a touchdown. Trust me, you’ll know if I did. I’ll either smile and ask for a high five, make some face like I’m about to perform the most violent sneeze of all time, or crawl up in a ball trying not to have a heart attack.
So please. Like, can I live? We’re on the same team.
2. When you take it personal if we don’t finish.
The last thing I want to do is have to answer a question like, “Was it me, was it something I did?” Girl, I had me about 13 drinks tonight, let’s both just take a moment to be happy we made it this far. Now shh, gimme kiss.
3. When you “accidentally” leave something at his place.
Come on. You know what you did. Don’t make us have to sit through some story about how you didn’t know you had my football cleats on because they make the same sound as your heels. Babe, they’re a size 10 and are literally filled with dirt. Lol, you’re so silly.
4. When you don’t know how to ride correctly and almost break his dick in half.
It’s unnecessary. Slow, controlled motions please. This isn’t the X games. When you catch air, people die. There have been too many victims of botched landings.
It happens way too often and we play it off because, you know, we’re having sex and that’s awesome and we want that to continue for as long as possible. But why you do dis to me!?
5. When you leave your shirt on.
Boobs are so important. Your boobs are so important. What’s happening here? I don’t care if you have a grossly disproportionate nipple to rest of breast ratio. Gimme them please. I can’t keep sitting in this dark room with my hands in the air waiting for something to hold on to for safety and balance.
6. When you just had sex and ask him to borrow clothes and when you’re about to change into them you say “No, don’t look.”
Are you foreal? I just had my nose halfway inside your bhole. I just licked your armpits in the heat of the moment for no apparent reason. But this is too invasive?
7. When you turn into an actual psychopath mid-sex.
There was zero indication of this behavior when I met you at the bar. We were literally giggling like children every time I would squirt some of my mango peach MiO into our vodka sodas. You refused to make out with me in public. You were supposed to be nice. When, what, who are you? Why are you screaming at me?
How did you pin me to the bed so quickly? Is that Spanish? You know Spanish? But your name is Abigail?
My back should never be bleeding before I even take my shirt off you weird, beautiful animal.
8. When you put your finger in his butthole.
9. When you don’t at least try to put your finger in his butthole.
Lol, you think I’m scared? You think I ain’t a man? Lol, I ain’t scared. I know who I am.
10. When you don’t provide fair warning about some of your unique qualities.
If this is going to be a wetter experience than usual, that’s fine. In fact, that’s great. But at least give me the chance to lay a towel down and/or put on my chemistry goggles.
Or, if you’re working with some tough muff, holla at your boy.
A lot weirder things happen down there than we’d like to know, and certainly more than we have to deal with ourselves. Be courteous.
Or don’t. Honestly, it probably won’t make a difference. I’m about to dive in. (Trey Songz voice)
11. When you try to be cute and say, “I call your side of the bed!! Lol!”
What kind of sick house do you think I’m running here?