You know who’s always there for you? Carbs. You know who’s ALSO always there for you? Your designated wing(WO)MAN. You heard me correctly. Designated Wingwoman is a noun, if we’re being technical, and a safe investment, yet largely undercapitalized. Specifically, the designated wingwoman is a single, designated non-sex counterpart to tug out your playful side, and add a bit of zest to your wolfpack.
Allow me to explain.
According to Mario Testino, in life there are colognes and perfumes. Colognes fade away but a single drop of a great perfume stays with you.
A wingwoman is just that — spritz of female friendship, without all of the hassle.
This designated wingwoman/”modern sidekick” if you will, the Robin to your Batman, or if you wanna get cute, the Snoopie to your Charlie Brown. By attaining a designated wingwoman, among other benefits, she does all of the initial leg work (once you’re in the bed, it’s all on you buddy), all for $19.99! No just kidding, all for the sole compensation of protection from fellow creepers at the bar.
Still not convinced? Think I’m trying to 1-888-Info-Mercial you? Hear me out. Lemme break it down for you with three key reasons as to why you should add a Designated WingWoman to your shopping cart.
1. The Girlflirting
Girlflirting is a language all of its own. It goes beyond looks, beyond personalities and beyond Jared Leto’s manbun. Girlflirting consists of two girls connecting through a mutual love for a really good black stiletto, or the perfect onesie that one would even risk the danger of having to pee in. No matter how many girlfriends a guy has had, or episodes of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” they sneakily will never admit to watching, guys will never understand that it really is a misdemeanor if you wear navy with black.
This is why guys need to add a wingwoman to their batmobile. Guys, have you ever been at the bar and noticed dozens of pleasing candidates all talking amongst themselves and have no idea of how to interject and say “Hi! Hello! Want to add some testosterone to the mix?” Say no more. And really, please, don’t say that.
Get a Designated WingWoman. Upon instruction, your WingWoman will proceed with the appropriate caution and enter the conversation. What started as a conversation of “OMG did you know that there are nude pics of Justin Bieber on the Interwebz” will shift in thirty-seconds to “Gurlz, have you met my BEST GUY FRIEND?” Boom.
Guys, you are now in through association because of the simple mentality: if he can friend one of us, he can be us.
Guys, this all of thirty-second transaction just turned your watering hole from a shallow puddle to the size of the Mississippi River – forever flowing with new prospects.
2. The Exterminate-The-Shacker
Guys, your work is done, your performance with your recent swoop was worthy of an Oscar, and the sun is beginning to rise. Don’t you all hate when you know morning is coming and along with it, the awkward conversation? The spark you thought you had turned out to be no larger than the size of a tea candle? The girl sleeping next to you has done dirty things to you and is going to want to make out. Two words: morning breath. Also, that really hot makeup she had on the night before has now melted and she looks like Taylor Swift’s double from the “Blank Space” music video.
What if you don’t even remember her name?
Fear no more. I know it’s October and there is no quota on the amount of Halloween jokes you can make, but do not call Ghostbusters. Simply, drop a PIN to your designated wingwoman. She is your best supporting actress after all. Within minutes, she will be there to exterminate. All this will cost you is possibly one of your frat tanks.
3. Awards Through Association
Through gaining a non-girlfriend but “girl” friend, you gain a rare answer-my-calls-or-die type of friend, and essentially return to the friendship that we only knew possible in middle school. Friends of the opposite gender understand things that you don’t, like: 1) why your swoop is not texting you back and/or who the dude is in her Insta, 2) why it’s always a terrible idea to wear a plaid button down with your Jordans, 3) why “Gingham” or “Valencia” should always be your filter, and 4) the advice that your boys will never know unless they also have raised their stock in wingwomen.
A quick sample of this advice is: Never question an Olsen twin or Beyonce’s motives to a potential swoop. Never. This is like bringing up the Black Mamba’s business to a dude.
It’s about time that we say hello to the 21st century! Now a days people can have open marriages, or not get married at all, why shouldn’t you capitalize on a low-risk designated wingwoman? Hope this hasn’t ruined the shock factor that there really is no “When Harry Met Sally” rule that says you can’t stay friends with someone of the gender you’re attracted to. I wouldn’t lie to ya. Take this advice and now run like Forrest with it to your closet Jenny (another great co-gender dynamic duo).