Morning sex. Many people refer to it as the best time of day—a beautiful way to wake up while the chirping of the birds serenades you to make sweet, sweet love.
It is my responsibility to inform you that these people are just plain WRONG.
Morning wood is God’s way of starting each day off in the worst way possible for women. Do men have sex with us when we’re horny on our periods? Typically no, they don’t. (To those that do, I say touché.)
But when they’re about it, we are expected to awake with perky breasts, beautifully combed hair, ready to go. Well to that I say – yeah right.
From start to finish, here is why morning sex is the worst thing to ever happen since the Lost series finale.
1. Most likely, I am still sleeping. It’s not sexy when you touch me. It’s more like a dog slobbering on your face. All I want to do is bark at your member “down, boy, down!” Get it off of me and just let me snooze.
2. Now let us move onto the obvious. My breath is gross and my mouth is as dry as a desert. It doesn’t want anything stuck in it, unless we are talking about a coffee. End of story.
3. Then there is positioning. If we have unfortunately reached the point where there will be P in V action, boy you best be crazy if you think I am getting on top of you. I will lie there and happily sleep to the soothing repetition of a squeaking bed. By all means, you thrust and I’ll match with my snores. We will be a golden team.
4. If you’ve finally made it to this point – congratulations boys, you’ve thrusted, licked and grunted your way to the finish line. Now I officially have to get out of the warm, cozy bed to go “clean up” (you all know what I’m talking about).
So my lesson to those men out there who can’t keep it in their boxers at 8 a.m., next time just head into the bathroom for a solo session while I catch up on some much needed ZZZs.