Why You Really Need To F*cking Vote

Brette
Brette is an aspiring Real Housewife of Miami currently attending law school in New York City until her parents decide that its someone else’s turn to foot the bill. She graduated from the University of Florida with a major in political science and a minor in parking tickets. Since being banned for life from Starbucks after one too many fights with one too many baristas over name misspellings, she has dropped her last name indefinitely, choosing instead to refer to herself as the single syllable androgyny: Brette. Either that or she still thinks her tagged photos from college will still prevent her from ever getting a legitimate job. You can find her on Instagram @brette___ or on JDate in approximately 3 years.

So here I am, watching Real Housewives of Atlanta, babysitting my cleaning lady, Lidia, and I get a text:

“My friend said she’s not voting. She doesn’t see the point.”

This comes after weeks of texts along the same line, which people always seem to relay to me given that it was made public that I cried actual tears during the Democratic National Convention due to my excitement about being a part of history.

IT WAS ONE TIME.

I digress

Millennials: young, fun, full of questionable bodily fluids and, for some unbeknownst reason, refusing to vote. I frankly don’t understand why. We vote for VMAs, we vote for a “winner” on Dancing with the Stars, we even vote on who to kick out of a group chat. So why not vote on, IDK, global leaders, judges, referendums, legislators and/or the president of the fucking United States?

“She’s a criminal!!!”

“He’s a racist, xenophobic, homophobic, misogynistic, incestual…” (okay you get the point)

Well, all of that, or none of that may be true. It doesn’t matter. You are a hypocrite. If you don’t get out there and vote for something, anything, then you don’t have the luxury of sitting on your fat ass and name calling behind a computer screen. Don’t try to counter this argument with some First Amendment nonsense, because the people who are actively protecting that right are the ones elected to office, no thanks to you.

 

“The system is corrupt.”

Then vote for someone who isn’t.

 

“The media is corrupt.”

This is my favorite. Of course the media is biased, it always has been. But you know what else? This election, as draining as it may seem, finally has people paying attention. For the first time, I can confidently say that 99.9 percent of people living in this country (murderers, rapists, and deplorables alike) know who is running for president. In 2012, some of my friends thought Mitt Romney was a NASCAR driver. I mean, that isn’t saying much. I grew up in Florida—everyone thinks they’re a NASCAR driver.

Also, if you don’t like what’s being said on television, change the channel. Go on the internet. *GASP* Read a newspaper. Recall that we do not live in North Korea, where your access to information is limited to pictures of Kim Jong Un “doing things.”

 

“My vote doesn’t count”

Okay, in some respect this is true. Living in blue California or red Alabama, your vote for president probably won’t make much of a difference. (we can discuss the intricacies and shortcomings of the electoral college at a different time). But to say your vote doesn’t count is a lazy over-generalization.

Recall Brexit. It wasn’t an episode of Black Mirror. It happened. IRL. With a referendum, the decision is literally in the hands of the voters. I advise you to Google “referendum in [enter respective state].”

For example, fellow Floridians, pot is once again on the menu. For those of us 20somethings with severe headaches and our grandparents in Boca with glaucoma who have been vying for medicinal relief, rejoice! That is, if you vote Yes on Amendment 2.

BUT YOU HAVE TO VOTE!!!

(CC: Medical—Arkansas, Montana; Legalization—Arizona, California, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, North Dakota)

The same thing goes for issues like minimum wage, healthcare, gun control, etc. but marijuana is such a sexier subject AMIRITE?

Close up of a young hipster smoking cigarette.

 

“I won’t partake in an election of the lesser of two evils.”

Two words: Supreme Court. Whether you like it or not, come January, one of those two is going to be sitting in the Oval Office. Perhaps the most underrated power that person has is to nominate and push through a United States Supreme Court Justice. This is reallllllllly important because the person who that individual selects sits there for life. Makes decisions for life. Sets the American sociopolitical agenda for life.

Since my stance on women’s rights resulted in someone calling me a “disgusting murderess” last week, I wont delve into this too deeply, but recall that SCOTUS has had its hand in everything, from segregation to abortion, affirmative action to sodomy (yes, really), gun control to healthcare, to the right of an individual to marry whomever he or she pleases. And this is a hand that goes relatively unchecked. I am trying so hard to refrain from inserting a hand “grabbing” joke right now holy shit.

Anyways, if you’ve made it to this point I assume you are probably voting and I thank you for that. Those who aren’t are probably halfway through a Buzzfeed “What Kind of Potato Are You?” quiz by now. But if you are here, and you aren’t voting, please know we are done with your political Facebook rants and comment threads and Twitter trolling. We don’t want to ever hear you complain about a tax or a toll or a fucking parking ticket because you did nothing to try to change it. You are taking a Furby-sized dump on a fundamental American right and duty. OMG there I go again with the innuendos I’M SORRY I CAN’T HELP MYSELF.

I don’t care who you’re voting for. Well actually I do, but if you are voting for the humanoid tangerine I assume with mere days until the election you are set in your ways. That’s fine. It’s wrong, but it’s fine. You’re probably also the kind of person who pays to see Tom Cruise movies. And that’s not fine. Ever.

Seriously though, I don’t care who you’re voting for. Just vote. It’s important. We’re important.

And if that wall really goes up after all, the fact that this is the last time I’m able to pay someone only $100 to clean my four bedroom apartment is really, really important.

 

Also, because you took the time to read this, please enjoy these other glorious photos of Kim Jong Un I came across during my research:

1. Kim admiring an industrial sized vat of lube

2. KJU channeling his inner white girl, celebrating fall the only way we know how #pumpkinspice

3. Dennis FUCKING Rodman

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

DO YOU US?

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