Which Of Taylor Swift’s Boyfriends Were Totally Fake? We Have The Answers

Becca Van Sambeck
Becca is a recent Fordham grad, a former German beer hall girl, and a new Brooklyn resident who used to read the dictionary for fun as a kid. She has only gotten slightly less lame since then. She loves pugs, chicken fingers, reading and Game of Thrones.

It seems like just the other day that we were discussing Taylor Swift’s split from Calvin Harris. That’s probably because it kind of was just the other day — the two made their split official only last month.

While many of us mourn our own relationships for weeks by laying in bed in sweats and eating ice cream, moaning about how unlovable we are, Taylor Swift has proven, yet again, that she is no mere mortal. No, instead, girl goes out and gets a fucking Norse god for a boyfriend. One who takes her on trips to Rome and London and passionately kisses her on rocks like they’re in a Nicholas Sparks movies and apparently, wears an “I HEART T.S.” shirt, all in less than a month. Damn.

Naturally, the suspiciously quick timing and the crazy intense PDA has led to conspiracy theories: Is it just a PR stunt for attention? Is she getting back at Calvin? Are they filming an elaborate music video? Are they bearding for each other? Seriously, he’s wearing an “I HEART T.S.” tank top, which has to be a fucking joke, right?

As Taylor put it herself, she has a long list of ex lovers. With all this speculation about the veracity of her latest relationship, we’re going back to examine what other relationships might have been some kind of ruse, too.

 

1. Joe Jonas

Taylor was pretty pissed about the ending to this one — she famously revealed that he dumped her in a 27-second phone call. She then wrote a pretty scathing song about his new girlfriend, Camilla Belle. A fake relationship just isn’t going to inspire that level of spite.

VERDICT: REAL.

 

2. Taylor Lautner

I’m sorry, no. I shouldn’t even have to explain this one.

VERDICT: FAKE.

 

3. Jake Gyllenhaal 

I’m pretty torn on this one, because really, I’ve never seen more posed photos than the ones of them grabbing maple lattes. Who holds a maple latte like that naturally, Taylor?! On the other hand, there’s the burn she directs at him in “We Are Never, Ever Ever, Getting Back Together,” — “hide away and find your peace of mind/with some indie record that’s much cooler than mine.” Jake Gyllenhaal does seem like he would refuse to listen to a Taylor Swift album, and she would definitely dump someone over that.

VERDICT: REAL.

 

4. John Mayer

John Mayer is the human equivalent of a public bathroom toilet seat. He is pure trash. That being said, I’ve listened to “Your Body Is A Wonderland,” and I understand why a girl would sleep with him. He is a guy you regrettably hook up with when he calls you at 2 a.m., vowing not to pick up again, and then just doing it again days later. He is not someone you plan a fake relationship around.

VERDICT: REAL.

 

5. Harry Styles

Look, I’ve spent a lot of time listening to my One Direction-obsessed friend go on and on about how Louis and Harry are secretly in love, enough that I am now a believer in this conspiracy theory (Seriously, Google “Is Louis’s baby fake?” It’s magical). And even if that’s not the case, it’s suspicious that she managed to feel that much to write so many songs (“Out of the Woods” and “Style”) about someone she dated for about a month. Seems a little extreme.

VERDICT: FAKE.

 

6. Conor Kennedy

You don’t agree to date someone who’s under 21 unless you really like them. Even if they are a Kennedy.

VERDICT: REAL.

 

7. Calvin Harris

This is a pairing that has never made much sense to me, but you know what, judging by how bothered they both seem to be by the breakup (Calvin spotted wearing Yeezys, the shoes made by her biggest foe! Taylor making out with Tom Hiddleston in every possible public location in the world!) it would seem to be the real deal.

VERDICT: REAL.

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