I’m about to say what everybody, no matter their age, has been afraid to: “Lord Voldemort is our secret patronus.” I know, I just said “he who should not be named” out loud. Go on, rest in peace with your bad self, literally bad, Lord V.
Whether we want to admit it or not, looks matter. If they didn’t, the fastfood of relationships (also known as Tinder – or ladies, if you like to be the one in control [props to you] – Bumble) would not exist. Think about it — it takes less time to find a match than it does for you to get a Frosty from Wendy’s (and man are they fast since they don’t want to miss their time quota and have to give it to you for free).
Because of this virtual phenomenon, the ropes have tightened and it is now more important than ever to look your best. I mean, let’s be real, I love Beyonce too and I’ll happily sing “Irreplaceable” with you any day, specifically the verse “To the Left, To the Left” (hand motion included), but we all want our “right” swipes to far outnumber our “lefts.” Sorry B, times have changed.
It’s the Information Age, and we all have to do what we gotta do to look our best without a filter (and I don’t mean really adding a filter, but being basic and hashtagging #nofilter). We all know who you are.
That being said, it’s time to flip to the dark side, and allow me to let you all “slytherin” to my chamber of skincare secrets. The king (sorry to offend those that are team H) of skincare is not Liberace, but rather it is Lord Voldemort.
I mean think about it, the guy killed thousands of wizards, yet never exposed a single wrinkle. He killed Harry’s parents and left him all alone, yet here’s the biggest Tom Riddle of them all: he looks EXACTLY the same. I know what you’re thinking, “who’s his facialist?” But come on people, who would really want to touch that face? Besides me of course, as I’d like to see the amount of moisture it carries.
While it is impossible for me to tell you precisely what Lord Voldemort does, as we all know what happened to “you know who,” I can offer you my suggestions as to what he probably does do. Please note that I have contacted J.K. Rowling via Twitter for more info. Feel free to thank me later.
1. For starters, Lord Voldemort NEVER took Biotin.
Not to get all Regina George on you, but it makes you gain weight faster than a “Hungry Hungry Hippo” eating competition. Also, it adds unnecessary oil to your face which makes you look like you had a cameo in Supersize Me. Take a moment and Google Lord V. Do you see any oil? Do you see any open pores? Black heads? The obvious need to get extractions? No.
Biotin is the frat boy or the sorostitute you met in college that promised you the world, but instead, left you eating Ben & Jerry’s out of the carton while watching reruns on Netflix and wondering where you went wrong. Biotin promises you longer hair, longer nails, better skin, and the promise of a better life. LIES, all LIES, people. Don’t do it.
Okay, so you know that humungous ugly snake that Voldemort dragged around and made us all cringe? IT HAD MEANING. That slithery beast is cold-blooded, which gives us a hint onto how Lord V. washed his face…
2. He must have ALWAYS began his day by washing his face with cold water.
It revitalizes and gives you a little “zinger!” which refreshes both you and your look. Because of this, Lord V continued on being his bad-little self, and treated himself by using warm water only at night.
3. Now, Lord V had to have known all about the three components of skincare: (1) moisturizer, (2) toner, and (3) eyecreams.
Both (1) and (2) are accessible through two simple products that can be purchased at your closest drugstore. Drugstore, as in those places that muggles like you and I go after each big holiday to find candy at least 50 percent off.
The two magical products are Preparation H and Vaseline. Lord V himself doesn’t seem like a generic type of guy, but either will do the trick.
Ladies, if you want Cara Delevingne’s eyebrows, apply Vaseline to your eyebrows each night. This will allow them to grow faster so you can shape them accordingly and not have to paint your face with an eye pencil. You look like a mime and it’s not cute. Not even scary/cute. Guys, if you want girls to actually talk to you, do the same. Every girl’s love for Jared Leto faded immediately the second his eyebrows were no mas.
Although we will never know Lord V’s true age, thanks in part to his impressive skincare regimen, a touch of Vaseline on your t-zones (your nose) will add a zest of youth and moisture to your face. This technique works both for ladies and their chromosomal counterparts.
Next, Preparation H. I know, it can be embarrassing and a Pain-In-The-A (no pun intended) to purchase. But, what was Lord V? Nothing more than a bunion to Harry P. Either way, as perfect as this product is for Voldemort, it can be the same for you. You know that annoying phrase “the bags under my eyes are designer”? Yeah, let’s rid ourselves of that. You do not have Chanel under your eyes, you have bags under your eyes that, unless properly treated, can only be hidden with the proper sunglasses. Prep H basically “sucks the fat up” and reduces eye wrinkles. Gently, place a “pea-size” amount of Prep. H on your eyes, and voila!
The third and most forgotten component of all — Toner, the horcrox that many people can’t seem to find in their medicine cabinet. Shame. What toner does is remove the existence of unnecessary oils on your face, and make your face look so fresh and so clean. Basically, every picture that you use the iPhoto magic wand to hide the shine with, toner will do the trick. Toner gives you that matte-look that lasts you all day, rather than just behind the iPhoto screen. Toner is the reason Lord V’s skin was always so perfectly white.
All in all, it is time to finally do what we have needed to do all along — thank Lord Voldemort. While we all hated you up until this point, we now appreciate you as you have secretly given us the Elder Wand of skincare vitality.