We Rewrote 19 Of Your Favorite Christmas Songs Because 2016 Needed It

Jay Cross
“Far worse looking people have done it. So why can’t I?” Jake is a 22-year-old delicious man candy originally from New York and currently living in Miami Beach attending law school. He graduated from the University of Florida in 2014 and used his degree to invest in a Toyota Prius. More information about his Prius can be found on his Instagram handle: “hotguyinaprius”. He drives an Uber part time because lawyers only get paid in movies. Jake doesn’t drink often, but when he does, he prefers it be consecutively for a potentially infinite duration. Jake often drinks.

Let’s be honest. These songs are getting a little repetitive. They could use it little “umph”. Here’s some “umph”.

Happy Holidays you pieces of shit.

1. The little drummer Boiiiiiiiii Don’t You Assume My Gender


2. I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus’ Ass

“Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy eating Santa Clause’s asshoooooooooooole laaaaaaast niiiiiight”


3. Rudolph The Red Nosed Coke Addict

“…and if you ever saw him, he’d probably ask you for some blowwww”


4. Everybody’s Waiting For (The Man With The Bag of Coke)


5. Baby It’s Cold Outside LOL There I Go Again Talking To Myself LOL I’m So Alone

“I really can’t stay (Baby nobody asking you to)

I’ve got to go away (Baby nobody wants you here)”


6. Please Come Home For Christmas And Give Me Back My Fucking iPhone Charger


7. I’ll be home for Christmas To Steal Another iPhone Charger


8. All I Want For Christmas Is A Big Titties, Big Butt Too


9. Jingle Bell Rock of Molly, Want Some?


10. She a hoe, she a hoe, she a hoe




12. Here Comes Santa Clause Live On Instagram


13. O Holy Shit I Hate That Stupid Fucking Sign 


14. Try a Little Tenderness And Shut The Fuck Up Jim


15. This Christmas I’m Cheating

16. Sleigh Ride Into Your DM’s

17. A Racist White Christmas

18. Run Run Rudolph She’s Wearing A Choker!

19. Silent Night, Choke Me Tight

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