We previously gave advice on how to get in shape for summer and, personally, I’ve decided to take the plunge and make some healthy changes in my own life. It took a few months, but I’ve come to terms with the work required for the whole “new year, new me” mantra. With that said, there are some things that would make living a healthy life easier…
1. I’m at the gym, I’ve done the 5 moves I remember from high school gym class. Now what?
Gyms, much like taxes, are something that society assumed we were ready for once “old enough.” No one prepared us for the 437 machines that we’re supposed to know how to use and not die on. It’s awesome that there’s a machine to work out my third from the bottom ab muscle, but let’s be honest, that’s mostly buried under years of Doritos and happy hour margaritas.
“People watching” has become the workout of choice for most new “health-conscious” people balancing the keen reflex of turning your head when a stranger notices you with the ability to simultaneously look like you’re being productive. I always imagine what the bodybuilders must be thinking when they do their… lift something heavy once and then pace around menacingly staring at the floor.
“Why does my double extra small tank top look like it was co-designed by Somali pirates and the war-torn parts of the Middle East?”
“Oh crap, the guy spotting me has on a ‘Make America Great Again’ t-shirt…play it cool, play it cool”
2. I know it’s a locker room…but seriously, would underwear kill you?
For as much as we’ve accomplished as a species, going into a men’s locker room shows we haven’t actually evolved as much as we believed. The room is either filled with guys staring at their own reflection as if they’ve never seen a mirror, or old dudes who are way too comfortable being naked around strangers.
These people might be doctors, lawyers, or businessmen in the real world, but it’s like walking into an overweight geriatric version of Tarzan.
3. Hey, summer! Why do your two activities include either being in a bathing suit with friends or eating and drinking with friends?
Stop being an a-hole, summer! Us unhealthy people can only handle being prepared for one or the other. Your food staples can’t be beer, burgers and hot dogs when we’re also supposed to take pictures on the beach right after.
4. If my friend has a fast metabolism, it means I can no longer acknowledge their existence.
Let’s get real here, our friends are great and all but that one person who can eat whatever they want and never gain weight is secretly dead to us. Come on, a snap story starting with a donut covered in fruity pebbles, then a deep fried burger, then ended with a pizza covered in meatballs…and you can also fit into the clothes at American Apparel? What other superpowers were bestowed on you at birth?
We all must admit though, late night pizzas are part of a sacred pact where we acknowledge and accept the middle finger we’re giving to that salad we ate for lunch.
Looking back at it all, maybe a new year doesn’t necessarily need a new “me” because, ya know…pizza. Let’s just all enjoy the current “us” and if we want to make some healthy changes, then awesome, but no matter what…gyms are seriously such a weird place.