To Whom It May Concern:
Join me as we put on our sober goggles and embark on an introspective journey through a night of debauchery, injury, shame and forgiveness. Not necessarily in that order.
I’ve always thought going out and drinking was fun. I mean it still is, even when I go to 101 Downtown in my college town of Gainesville, only to find myself dancing on a table shortly before flying off of it, head throbbing from hitting a table, while then proceeding to relieve the pain with a shot of tequila. Six drinks, three random make outs and eight hours later, I wake up to an empty pizza box (no mercy) and a fading concussion.
Fast forward to a few months later…I’m at a random bar in Tel Aviv with 50 of my closest friends and a creepy Israeli bouncer with a gapped tooth and unibrow (of course), when I decided it was a good idea to jump on a friend’s shoulders for a piggy-back ride.
It all happened so quickly as we both flew forward onto the concrete and blood began to pour from my head, which of course I didn’t notice even while inhaling a chest full of mint pineapple hookah smoke just moments later. I thought my life was ending. My vision went black so I couldn’t even see it “flash before my eyes.” After spending hours of my last night in Israel in a holy urgent care facility wearing a crop top and listening to doctors talk shit about me in Hebrew, I thought to myself, “This probably would have gone a lot more smoothly if I had been sober.” Or just likely wouldn’t have happened at all!
When you drink, your night starts on a high. You say to your friends “tonight’s going to be the night.”
Disclaimer: tonight is most definitely not the night.
We know what alcohol does. It amplifies your mood, making you immediately snap at the tiny insult someone said or be ROFL about a joke your friend told that really wasn’t funny at all. But what is funny (well, not really) is what alcohol does to our bodies and how uninformed we are about it because we can’t fucking remember what happened. We’ve got our hangover remedies, whether it’s a glass of Pedialyte or a massive bagel and cream cheese, that put us back in to form, but it doesn’t repair the massive damages we’ve done to our liver, brain and reputation. Ok, Ok, Ok, a good bagel Instagram is really trendy, though.
I mean yeah it’s fun to go out, drink with friends, and at the end of the night they are either trying to shove pizza in your mouth while you’re passed out on the bathroom floor (or vice versa), or you’re in a strange man’s bed (sorry mom) feeling like you just got shot in the head repeatedly. You spend the entire day under the covers binge watching reruns of SVU, praying you could muster the strength to walk outside, or at the very least stand up and let some blood circulate.
But what you don’t know is that being soberly high is better than any high drunk could ever get you. Sober high gives you potential. You are the most powerful person at that bar and it’s not lame. Well, says I.
Everyone is so afraid of the idea of going out sober. In fact, people sometimes will go home if they are not “drunk enough.” But what does it mean to be drunk enough anyway?
It’s not like there’s a scary monster that is going to get you if you’re too sober. If you aren’t capable of socializing without alcohol, you’re either a sociopath or an impending alcoholic. Either way, you should probably seek help immediately.
Throwing back some shots before you go out can be fun. But every night? Every time you go to a party? At the time, sure, it seemed like a good idea to down 8 shots, chug a beer, do a cartwheel and make out with the first guy who showed the tiniest bit of interest in you even though he was a solid 5 (fuck drunk goggles.) But in the end, if you were sober, you know you would have never done that. For example, sober me would have never invited the Jimmy John’s delivery guy inside my sorority house, proceeding to force him to listen to me recite my Torah portion. Sadly, not one of my worst ideas, but thanks for the #4, dude. And welcome to the family.
After the Jimmy John’s incident, I decided it would be a good idea for me to go out sober. Although that means that you’ll see shit you can’t un-see, it’s always nice to inform my friends of the weird shit they didn’t remember doing.
Sadly, wasn’t the first time.
Just to be clear, I don’t hate on people who enjoy drinking while out. In fact, I also enjoy it, but at the same time I do appreciate going out sober. And you need to as well. I applaud those who have had successful drunk nights going out without any problems that could’ve been avoided if they were sober.
But there is no real winner or loser, no right or wrong, only an opportunity for experience. It’ll give you a chance to understand yourself aside from the enhancement of your state of mind. You’ll learn about your alter-ego drunk self, and most importantly you’ll learn about your own self. You have nothing to lose, but money (and a trip to the hospital) to save.
Plus, you’ll thank me in the morning.
Been there done that