This Is The Only Issue That Should Truly Matter To You In 2016

Jay Cross
“Far worse looking people have done it. So why can’t I?” Jake is a 22-year-old delicious man candy originally from New York and currently living in Miami Beach attending law school. He graduated from the University of Florida in 2014 and used his degree to invest in a Toyota Prius. More information about his Prius can be found on his Instagram handle: “hotguyinaprius”. He drives an Uber part time because lawyers only get paid in movies. Jake doesn’t drink often, but when he does, he prefers it be consecutively for a potentially infinite duration. Jake often drinks.

The beginning of a new year always brings with it an exciting opportunity not just for the individual to make improvements in his or her own life, but for the entire human race to build off of progressive themes that have gradually come to fruition in the previous years.

While the feminist movement didn’t consume the headlines in a manner proportionate to its achievements, it was an absolutely huge year for chicks. Of course, like anything else, there are two extreme ends of the feminist spectrum: The very “pro dick” Amy Schumers and the very much “anti dick” Bill Cosby accusers.

However, a lot of incredible things fell right in between. To name a few: Patricia Arquette and Jennifer Lawrence both made powerful messages emphasizing the arbitrary wage gap between men and women. Becky Hammon made history as the first female assistant coach in the NBA. Viola Davis, Taraji P. Henson and Kerry Washington are carrying prime time television on their backs and equally as important, Nicki Minaj demanded that she climax when she said in an interview for Cosmopolitan: “I demand that I climax.”

This past year, I’ve desperately tried to find ways to actively contribute to fundamental feminist ideas like the reduction of gender discrimination in the workplace and sexual harassment. Unfortunately, much of the information I’ve discovered online recommends that I begin by first completely eliminating hardcore porn from my diet. Which means I’d never get a chance to watch the newly released “Girth, Wind & Fire.” So, as they say, the search for a reasonable solution continues.

However, just recently, I’ve discovered the biggest issue segregating men and women in today’s society; an issue so enormous and so complex that it’s receiving little to no attention from even the most influential women’s rights advocates.

That’s right, it’s the myth that girls don’t poop.

And how can I as a man be expected to cultivate change if I am not even sure if the girl sitting to my right defecates or not.

I’m tired of the lies.

According to a national survey, 71 percent of women go “to great lengths to avoid defecating — especially in a public washroom.” According to another survey, 100 percent of men know this.

Oppression against women who poop has a very long and confusing history. The first series of protests date as far back as 1962 in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, but the demonstration gathered few followers because, as one woman so gently put it: “The whole thing was weird and disgusting.” However, a small group of women who poop were spotted just a few years ago, also in Williamsburg.

Listen, ain’t nobody trying to catch you in the act. Men aren’t out here setting up toilet cameras only to discover you sitting down sweating, screaming random shit in French, doing the “nae nae” with the most aggressive “whip” to expel the last little nugget. There are some things that should be left for the imagination, but I suppose I’ve ruined that for you. Nonetheless, I’m here to say, I know what ya’ll be doin’ and I want ya’ll to be happy. And if it doing what you need to do will make you a more enjoyable person to be around, then by all means, have at it.

Don’t be scared.

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But just know that we know. You can’t win. You either aren’t trying hard enough or you’re trying too hard.

Come on. I just watched you chug down two Cuban coffees at your desk. I know your intestines just transformed from a beautiful Picasso into Géricault’s Raft of the Medusa. Do you really think you can burp that out? I see you grinding your teeth at your desk, only to get up a few seconds later and walk across the street to another office building. Who you know there?

DWP Emily

Lol, girl I know what you doin’.

Come on. You were taking a shower? Why isn’t your hair wet? Oh you washed it yesterday? How come you don’t smell like my body wash? You can smell Irish Spring Moisture Blast from a mile away. Oh you just did a quick rinse? How come you still smell like the skewers from Whole Foods we had for dinner?

Lol, you stupid, I know what you did.

Come on. Oh, you’re going to go wash your face? Why you making so much noise in there? Why it sound like you just opened the emergency exit on an airplane? I hear you slamming closet doors and stomping your feet and throwing bottles around, wind whistling through the air sounding like the Quiddich World Cup in my bathroom. Did it Slytherin or slither out?

Lol, girl I know what you doin’.

Come on. Flush – poop – flush? That’s elementary. Challenge me at least.

Lol, girl I know what you did.

Veruca Salt

Come on. You’re quiet as a mouse in the Uber and when we get to the restaurant you say something like “ I’ll meet you at the table, just order anything tartare.” As you thump your Miss Trunchbull looking ass all the way to the bathroom, only to glide over to the table a few minutes later all smiles, asking me how my day was. Don’t change the conversation.

Lol, girl I know what you did.

Vic Secret lose 10

It’s 2016. You don’t have to put yourself through this pain anymore. I know society wants you to be pretty and delicate and clean and that’s hard to maintain when you’re doing something that is so often loud, foul and smelly, but stop lying to yourselves and stop lying to me.

I’ve been through too much.

So just poop and be happy. You don’t need to make an announcement. You don’t need to run around farting and laughing giving out high fives like a crazy person.

RG Fartin on Ya
Regina George blowin fart

Please, none of that.

But life is too short for this psychologically imposed constipation you girls are dealing with.

Stop whining and being grumpy all the time and just go poop. It’s 2016.

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