The Bachelorette premiered on Monday and we all know what that means: much like Jojo — the titular Bachelorette — it is our duty to decide which guys are “here for the right reason.” Like any other season, this meant sorting out which decent-looking white guy was good enough for the princess of our story. Everyone has a hook, and so far, these are the guys we think have a shot of winning the final rose:
5. James Taylor
I don’t know, the whole “I’m James Taylor and I’m a musician thing is pretty cliche, but FINE, I’M FALLING FOR IT. We think Jojo will, too.
Dude, his name is Chad so we have plenty of foreshadowing that he sucks, but he’s not wrong when he describes himself as a tougher version of Ben. Clearly this is a good hook, since Jojo was about to be engaged to Ben like 3 months ago.
Ali’s parents escaped a war-torn country and he’s not a spoiled, ordinary Chad, okay? He talks about his ambition and his desire to succeed. He plays her an enchanting tune on the piano. He’s kind and cute and legit interesting. Therefore, he won’t make it all the way. But I can still dream.
I don’t know, Robby’s kinda cute in a different way, right? I’m being entirely shallow. I am just responding to Robby and that is who I’m rooting for, OKAY?! He also managed to have a memorable way to emerge from the limo without looking like a total loser, which is a big feat on this show.
He’s a former NFL player that Jojo literally squealed aloud at the sight of. They made out after exchanging maybe eight sentences. He’s the guy to beat, officially. But we must keep in mind this little tidbit from his ex…
And who’s begging to be eliminated? Did you listen to the super-fan, James? Just as he practiced accepting a rose in the mirror, you can bet he also practiced his “I’m definitely not a serial killer” speech for the jury, too. Let this be a lesson — enthusiasm is cute until it’s not, guys (and girls), c’mon. Also, thank God John was eliminated, because that whole “I’m Asian on top, Scottish on the bottom” bit was creepy and racist, and also very probably not true if he felt the need to announce it. And I feel the need to mention that Brandon’s profession is “hipster.” Brandon very likely has no money and no job. I kind of respect the fact that he realized it and decided to start applying to reality shows. Good hustle, Brandon!