Let’s face it, prior to Dallas Buyers Club and the Oscars circa 2014, very few people appreciated Jared Leto’s existence. Fun fact: Jared Leto is in a band. He sings!
Breaking news? Not exactly.
Up until recently, I referred to J. Leto as my pretend virtual online boyfriend. However, I have renounced my title and have decided to share him with all of you. I know you must be skeptical of my recent generosity, so allow me to explain:
With very little reluctance, I took the Buzzfeed quiz called, “What Jared Leto hairstyle are you?” Upon receiving my result, it dawned on me.
We don’t actually love Jared Leto, we love the idea of Jared Leto.
It’s mainly true because none of us (unless you have special connections that you should immediately private message me about) actually know Jared. Jared is the epitome of what we want in a man, our “Mr. Big” if you will. However up until this point, we haven’t been able to put this idea into words.
For starters, J is forty-three (43!) years old. Forty-three is the age where he could be my hot dad and it wouldn’t be awkward. Yet, if we actually did date it could be super awkward.
But despite this, let me show you why the many hairstyles and personas of Jared Leto are right for you.
1. “Dallas Buyers Club” Jared — He sympathizes with you.
For those of you who didn’t actually see Dallas Buyers Club and rather just saw the aftermath (Jared’s ombre/manbun), let me give you a brief synopsis. Jared played a trans woman. Boom. Because of this, Jared can talk the talk, and more importantly, walk the walk. He actually did the 8-to-5-inch heels. Ahuh honey.
Jared is the partner-in-intercourse that knows you’ve had a long day, and has an extra pair of flats hidden in his fanny pack for you. How many times have you been out at the bar and complained about your heels, but did not receive the attention and sympathy you deserve? Problem solved, as I know, we know and Jared knows. Those red soles do take part of your soul.
2. “Thirty Seconds To Mars” Jared — He’s basically a sex god.
How do the words, “Mr. Leto will see you now,” sound to you ladies? I know that every girl wants a man who can perform on and off stage. While J is pretty hush hush about his dating life (plot twist: we are secretly dating! hehe jk he’s too old, I told you), there is something that can be said about his song lyrics: “I’ll punish you with pleasure, and I’ll pleasure you with pain.”
Before you begin to feed me your innocent psychobabble, I know that you still have expectations in this department. How do I know this? Your Snapchat, mostly. It doesn’t even matter if you call it the hibbity-bibbity.
So let’s cut the foreplay, and let me give it to you all straight. There is a reason why you took your boy of the moment/side-dude to see Fifty Shades. You were teaching him something. If you also bought the DVD, my deepest sympathies, you need Jared immediately. Jared is the kind of guy that will sleep in the bed with you, and deliver to you what you deserve. He said so himself.
Gentlemen, take note from this. Candles and chocolates are cute, but not all of the best gifts are material. Jared is trying to school you too.
3. “American Psycho” Jared — Your Manhattan Mystery Man.
You know exactly who I am talking about, as you can find his knockoff every weekday in the Financial District. Clean cut, always in a suit (correction: always in a perfectly-tailored suit), with his leather loafers (Gucci/Prada/Ferragamo – he clearly knows his Italian leather A-B-C’s). Along with providing you his instahandle, he can also provide you with his Bergdorf Goodman stylist “with just a flick of the wrist.” This guy can always get you in the exclusive fashion week parties at the Boom Boom Room.
Oh, you need a dress for dinner next Friday? It’s cool, J’s cousin works in the meatpacking district, so he’ll just call her for you. Also, (man)i and pedis this weekend? What time would you like him there? He knows you like clean hands.
For the millenials who will never admit they are millenials, because that is way too “basic,” this is ~dedicated~ to you. You know who you are. Your Apple Watch is currently hidden underneath your Urban Outfitters cropped sweater as you are trying to tell the world that you are not manipulated by trends. Fear not, behind your mystery door, there is the manbraid Jared for you. He did the whole manbun thing, but so did everybody else. So what did he do? He got the manbraid. He does not “conform,” and neither do you. Both of you have matching vans and he is the “pizza” to your “cat” sock.
4. “My So-Called Life” Jared — He’s a hopeless romantic.
For those girls who are unapologetic romantics, I feel you, Kleenex feels you, and so does this Jared. You want that baby-face, simple vanilla love: handholding, picnics, beach dates with champagne and strawberries. J knows that Beyonce is on the cover of Vogue’s September Issue, so obviously he already bought it for you. Call you maybe? Gurrrrrrl, he’ll call you everyday (before 9 PM).
Now, after all of have claimed your prizes (your very own Jared Letos!), please take a minute to thank him. Specifically, thank him for telling us girls what we want.
Guys, you should thank Jared too, really you have to. He’s doing all of the hard work for you! He has become a chameleon throughout the decades to provide you with real-life instructions on how to treat your girl right, so in turn, she treats you right.