Who am I kidding. I am no expert on being single. I sure as hell am not an expert on relationships, heartbreak, or dating. I think the fact that I’m a failure at all the above is the only reason I am able to talk about it.
Consider this… How do people become experts? Sure, you could have raw talent for something, but there’s always some trial and error involved. In my case, likely more error than trial… but that’s the fun part, right?
So why should you listen to me on all things solo and all things wallow? Probably because I am solo for a reason and I’ve gotten too good at wallowing; but also because I’ve already made these mistakes for you.
So, just don’t repeat after me. I bring you the tips from all of my “dating” experience:
1. Screen your dates
I don’t mean stalk them on every social outlet known to man so that you know everything about them before the first date. I mean check their LinkedIn (privately of course) to make sure they’re employed and Google their name for arrest warrants. Better safe than “I know where you work and I brought cupcakes even though you haven’t responded in days” sorry (true story).
2. Do not text after midnight
I really got to get it together on this. I mean, nothing good is going to come of that. No one is going to fall in love with you through illegible late-night banter. Date someone who texts you while the sun is up – now that’s closer to a keeper.
3. Don’t invite them in on the first date
This isn’t some rant for celibacy, but I suggest that if you’re really feeling it – go to their place, or just go home and make them wait (whatever you prefer). But until you know he’s secretly not a psycho, I wouldn’t let him know where the door to your apartment is.
4. Don’t hide your true self for too long
I think this part of dating is just silly. What is the point of me being on my best behavior on a date and mentioning only the greatest things about myself? Screw that. I want you to know that I’m a little loco because I’m secretly hoping you’re a little loco too so we can be cuckoo together.
5. The bar is not your mating grounds
I dream of meeting my one true love at a local coffee shop (not Starbucks), the bookstore, the cheese aisle at Trader Joe’s, and all that good stuff. But we all need to remember that the bar is not the place to meet Prince Charming. Sure, there are unicorns out there, but if the bar was filled with unicorns then why is everyone still single there?
6. Don’t cry in public. Ever.
Ugh, the struggle. This was really embarrassing so I can tell you first hand this is just a no. Don’t do it. Get your shit together ASAP no matter who walks in with who. Take a shot of Fireball but for the love of God do not bawl on the dance floor. No one likes you when you’re crying.
7. Use dinner to your advantage
Okay, so this is a little selfish, but a working girl has got to eat. Surprises are so last year because chances are I’ll pick a better restaurant. Suggest something and bring home the leftovers. That way you can have food the next day even if you decided to leave the boy in yesterday.
8. Don’t give up too quickly
I have this idea in my head of who I’m going to end up with. But clearly I’ve been single for far too long that chances are I’m hella wrong. You never know who you’re going to fall for. So give them that second chance or even the third, and maybe they’ll surprise you. Maybe your heart will too. But after the fourth one it’s game over, so goodbye.
9. Keep your standards as high as your heels. Just because you’ve been single for, like literally, ever, doesn’t mean you should go for just anyone because “they seem interested.” No. Be patient and just get really damn good at being yourself until you meet someone that changes your whole entire world.
This didn’t help, did it? But you know why that is? *Sigh* it’s because we all have to make our own mistakes before we learn from them. And that’s okay. It’s okay to make these mistakes. It’s okay to love being single or to be terrified by it. It’s okay, so at least take that fact with you.
I’m clearly no expert at this, but I’ve never enjoyed failing at something more.