Much has changed since the olden days when “gentlemen callers” would call your house phone and hope to someday court you. For starters, who even has a house phone or a landline? Whether or not we want to admit it, these types of vanilla relationships are long gone and technology has changed the way we approach and understand them.
Recently, I read an article about how Venmo can tell you more about your boyfriend than any other platform. Of course I found this idea insane, so I decided to scope out my latest partner-in-intercourse’s payment activity. Before I knew it, I saw he had dinner with his second-cousin last week and he paid his mom $2.50 for a cup of what clearly is not Starbucks coffee. Venmo really can be a form of GPS for ex-partners-in-intercourse or, even, current partners-in-intercourse.
Look, I may be “crazy” in the sense that I am a cat mom, but, I have never been found guilty, or even charged, of being batshit when it comes to creating and maintaining a relationship. For this reason, I am going to provide you three steps for making sure that technology will not cause your next relationship to go kaputz.
1. Keep your constant surveillance of him or her under wraps
While this mentality is also important for who you choose in a partner-in-intercourse, it should absolutely be applied to your online relationship activity. In other words, choose your engagement on social media wisely. In theory, when entering a relationship, you want it to last longer than the relationship you’ve had with your mattress. To ensure this, you might be tempted to create a full-fledged security system around your new partner, but HE/SHE DOES NOT AND SHOULD NOT EVER (EVER EVER) KNOW THIS.
Sure, we all fall guilty of taking that next step in the relationship and following them on LinkedIn. Cool, you endorsed him for his creativity (we get it), but let’s not make shit awkward here. You do not need to endorse his physique via LinkedIn. General rule: if you would sext it, do not endorse it.
Sure, out of pity, you may even follow your next boo on Twitter. However, none of this means that you have to set alerts on each and every platform, RT every single thing he says and post about them constantly. Unless you are dating Chrissy Teigen, nobody is that funny.
Let’s be real, you may see every post they make, but watch the steps you take after that. Yes, you saw a girl who is a six or above like his past four posts. However, you do not need to like every single post of his to let him know this. You do not need to find his picture from seven years ago when he got a little too drunk at that shitty dive bar in undergrad to let him know that his activity is on your radar. Being a millennial is hard enough as it is given the shitty title, you don’t need to make it any more difficult by letting your partner know that he is under constant supervision. More Mary Kate and Ashley secretly solving crimes before dinner time, less “Gone Girl,” if you catch my drift. You may like and want to “favorite” your new partner-in-intercourse, but, resist the urge.
2. Social media content should be quality > quantity
Not only do you have to make sure that you do not let your partner know how much they are being monitored, you also need to monitor how much you post yourself. I get it, we can’t do Saturdays alone. I also get that sometimes things get steamy, and, next thing you know you have a Danielle Steel situation in your bedroom. It’s important for you to praise your partner-in-intercourse for making things ~orgasmic~, but, it is also important to limit what you share with the entire interwebz. Take this comparison, we all know how awkward AF it was to see that sex scene in the first Fifty Shades of Grey movie. That’s how third parties feel when they see your multiple awkward posts about anything related to your love or sex life. You will get pity likes, but nobody really knows what else to say. Do you comment “Woah, too much tongue?” No. Nobody knows what the f to say. Even more awkward than Anastasia Steele’s granny panties that she can’t seem to upgrade is that girl who posts every intimate detail of their relationship on social media.
If you want to express appreciation for your relationship, say something directly to your bae. It’s called a conversation. Ain’t nobody care about your awkward flirtations. That said, give your boyfriend a two thumbs the f up to this face, not through Facebook likes. Keep the play-by-plays for the NFL, trust me.
3. Don’t judge unless you’re on trial
Look, by no means am I a master of love or the next best thing since Ellen DeGeneres, but I do know a lil’ bit. I spend my Friday nights watching Lifetime so that you do not have to, and I am convinced that we all will find the love of our lives, just like we’ve all found that one perfect nude nail polish (hi, hello Essie “ballet slippers”). Statistics show that 98% percent of relationships fail when both parties don’t trust each other. Rule of thumb: unless you feel it is going down in the DM, give your man a lil’ space.
Unless you feel that you are dating the next Anthony Weiner, your man’s phone is your man’s phone. If you don’t trust him, drop him, unfriend him, block him, leave that mofo and let him try to ruin some other dumb girl’s life, there’s apps for if this happens. Ja Rule was the original romancer of our time and we all need to strive to be “down ass bitch[es].” Therefore, unless you feel like he’s only keeping things between him and you bay-bay, give him space and don’t look through his sh*t.
While my guy friends have taught me many things, there are conversations that I know that I am excluded from, and these are the same conversations I want to be excluded from. A guy, whose identity I will not reveal as truth be told I really don’t remember his name anyway, once told me that he wanted to “f me in the eyes.” For starters, I don’t even know what that means, and really, I AIN’T WANNA KNOW. Upon gaining limited access into guy world, I can assure you that guys also ask their fellow dudes how to respond and how to send the perfect witty, but also vague, text to you. That “hey” and nothing but “hey” text was not his own doing, but, rather, was conceived by him and his dudes. Trust me when I say that you do not need to feast your eyes on your guy’s brochats. Believe me when I say, he is bragging about you and telling them, more descriptively, how you were in the kitchen cooking pies for your baby. That’s all you gotta know.
For me, when a guy friend begins to tell me about a “box,” I am wondering what pair of Gucci loafers he is taking home with him from Barneys. New Ferragamo “box” from Saks? Tight. No pun intended. What he is texting is none of your beeswax unless you get notice that he is texting Becky with the good hair.
Fellow Beyonces, we all know the golden rule. A man shall never know that all of his iMessages are being screenshotted, documented, and evaluated amongst you and your best girl friends, therefore, to sum it up, you need to give your dude the same respect.
At the end of the day, I’m not a Facebook page, you don’t have to like me or my suggestions, but that’s unlikely. All of you are Slayonces in your own way. Technology ain’t gotta be a dating repellent. As stated by Jilly Hendrix (@notes2myselfie), “life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.” Allow me to make things a little bit easier for ya, listen to me and lessen the probability of feeling as desperate as that guy on Tinder who responds “haha guess not.”