We have all been there. In fact, I was there this morning. When you’re leaving a guy’s apartment and scrambling to get your shit together before they wake up. Tip-toeing, holding your breath and praying no sudden movements come from the bedroom. You know the drill.
Amidst this experience, it dawned on me that we are in “The Age of the Screw-venir.” A screw-venir is a small keepsake from your drunken nights and poor decisions that led you to wake up in this rando’s apartment in the first place.
I feel that it is my duty to give you a tutorial on the best bedroom items to grab on your way out the door so you can remember these nights:
- Go for the underwear… but be careful not to pick up the ones from the night before. Gross.
- High-end candles. If you see one of these, you’re going to need to take it with no questions asked. Make your apartment smell just like his. This is a $90 screw-venir, so you get extra points for that shit.
- Vintage sleep shirt. This is a great one because you can actually leave his apartment in this, remain hungover and marinate in your bed all day dehydrated AF while you Seamless copious amounts of food.
- Hydration. ALWAYS make sure you check out the fridge before you leave. You need to make sure that you have fluids for your SoulCycle class later that afternoon. I’m not spending $3 on a lukewarm SmartWater – smb, SC.
- Headphones. This is a crucial one. It will allow you to listen to the recently added section of your actual crush’s Spotify playlist, while also blocking out the inner voices telling you that you shouldn’t have had that ninth shot on a week night. Whoops!
Happy Thursday, fuck boiz!
All the love,