‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Which Guy Can Tango With JoJo The Best In Week 5

Becca Van Sambeck
Becca is a recent Fordham grad, a former German beer hall girl, and a new Brooklyn resident who used to read the dictionary for fun as a kid. She has only gotten slightly less lame since then. She loves pugs, chicken fingers, reading and Game of Thrones.

This week, “The Bachelorette”  brought us to Argentina, where the contestants partook in activities such as soccer, tango and sabotage (some more successful than others. Sorry James, “He was a little mean at dinner once,” isn’t a successful power play. You should’ve written a Taylor Swift-esque song about it, duh). The episode was slightly worse than most, partly because Chad and his assorted collection of meats are officially gone, but more because JoJo MADE THE WORST DECISION OF HER LIFE.

Luke

I thought Jordan had this in the bag. I thought he was unbeatable. But as I watch JoJo throw herself at Luke this week, I realized there might be a usurper to the kingdom of her heart. It takes effort to keep JoJo upright and off Jordan’s lap, so I applaud you, Luke.

 

Chase

This week, I was finally able to identify Chase without his title card.

 

Jordan

“I want to be engaged, I want to be in love, I want to score my own reality TV show deal…” is the abridged and paraphrased version of what Jordan told JoJo in this week’s episode. Had he applied the energy and strategy he’s shown on this show to his “football career,” it’s possible a pro football team would’ve actually wanted to keep him.

 

New to the rankings: Ingenious “Bachelorette” Producer

The producer who edited Derek’s weepy breakdown with the performance of “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina” makes the rankings list this week. I was half-expecting him to start shout-singing the ballad through the tears by himself in the car. Pure TV magic.

 

Wells

I understand Wells was booted off the show. But I will not stand for this! What kind of bullshit reasoning is that?! That he has reasonable expectations about love?! THAT HE UNDERSTANDS A RELATIONSHIP IS MORE THAN SPARKS? JoJo keeps going on about how she’s had bad luck with dating in the past, and girl, maybe that’s because you’re too focused on dating guys who are kind of unavailable because that feels exciting and you confuse that for love. Wells is goddamn adorable and practical and okay, maybe he can’t run a mile without fainting, and it’s possible he’s never kissed a girl before, but JoJo, you made a mistake.

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