Ah, the Oscars. Whether you saw any of the nominated movies or not, it’s still a great opportunity to check out your favorite celebrities in tuxes and beautiful gowns. And while a three-hour-long ceremony can sound daunting, we have just the trick to make this award show not only tolerable, but fun — booze, and lots of it.
So crack open a bottle of wine (…and tequila…and champagne) this Sunday and settle in for a night of meaningless award speeches and awkward teleprompter interactions.
DISCLAIMER: We all know the show really starts with the red carpet coverage, which now airs, like, 6 hours before the actual ceremony. But if you value your liver at all, you won’t tune in until 7PM sharp.
1. Take a sip every time Guliana Rancic and her ilk ask a sexist question
2. Take a sip whenever Jennifer Lawrence mentions french fries, or pizza, or ice cream, or any food at all, really.
3. Someone will inevitably say “It’s an honor just to be nominated!” That’s your cue to take two sips.
4. If Guiliana or whoever attempts to coerce a grown woman into strutting her fingers down a fucking mini red carpet, finish your glass.
5. Every time Jennifer Lawrence falls, take a shot of tequila. You will probably still be more steady than JLaw after that.
6. When Margot Robbie comes on stage to present and someone your viewing with mentions how hot she is, take a sip.
7. If someone makes another joke about “how great the bear was in The Revenant” finish your glass in embarrassment, because this joke has been told approximately 90 million times already.
8. Every time the camera pans to Leo and you can see the glimmer of panicked desperation in his eyes to reach the end of the night and achieve the only goal in life worth having, takea sip, but only a sip. This will happen often.
9. If you can’t understand a fucking word out of Sylvester Stallone’s mouth, nod along and just say “oh okay!” as you take a sip.
10. Every time you think “Who the fuck are these people?” take a sip. Again, this will happen often.
11. Every time someone says “diversity” take a drink. If it’s a clueless white person who probably thinks diversity is an old, wooden ship, take two sips.
12. If there’s a wardrobe malfunction, finish your glass.
13. Every time the camera cuts to Rooney Mara and she stares intimidatingly back, as if she can see your soul and scorns your deepest shames, take a sip to comfort yourself.
14. Is that Kerry Washington up on stage? Have a sip of wine in honor of Olivia Pope herself.
15. Is this thing actually still going on?! Finish your glass.
16. Every time Leo and Kate smile knowingly at each other, or laugh at the other’s jokes, or reference their love for each other, or you think “WHY AREN’T THESE TWO MARRIED ALREADY GODDAMN?!” pour one out for Jack and Rose. Our heart will go on, but just barely.
17. Someone fumbles while speaking off the teleprompter, take a sip. We took public speaking, we feel for you.
18. TIME TO AWARD BEST ACTOR! If Leo finally wins an Oscar, the only thing that’s ever been denied to the Prince of Pussy Posse, there’s only one thing to do to celebrate this momentous occasion: saber a bottle of champagne. Celebration for all! If he loses, finish a glass. And then another. Exactly like Leo will do himself then, as he broods and wonders what he could that would be more award-worthy than eating raw bison liver and crawling into a dead horse.
Have fun, everyone!