Kanye West, Yeezy, Yeezus, call him what you want. The guy is referred to by more names than we know what to do with. By the end of this article, you can even call him Jane Freakin’ Fonda.
Kanye does have magical, even godlike powers if you will, in the sense that the man can get you in shape FAST. Like, you know, skeleton status in a shorter amount of time than he can deliver an acceptance speech.
I’m here to tell you that he had a motive when he re-defined the monochrome Spandex (Kanye for Adidas, Spring Summer 2015 and Fall 2016 – Google it). Really, he did. Although you can buy an identical substitute to his collection in the lingerie/tights section at Targey, there really was a vision behind his singular color scheme.
Kanye West is really the Jane Fonda of our generation.
Jane Fonda was the first to release a track on proper fitness (the “Workout Record”) and she did it all in Spandex.
Fonda essentially paved the way for the monochrome spandex we all know and love today. And the idea of being down to get down with a catchy workout vibe? Connect the dots people.
But for our generation, I know that if I need to become a pretty motherf*cker and break the Internet by morning, Kanye (with a little help from his assistants Kim and Nori) can contour both of my cheeks in no time using the wisdom from his workout classic.
While you can sell your soul and pay $2.99 a month for Kim’s app to learn all about the family secrets, I’m going to offer you the more economical approach:
Consider this the breakdown of Kanye’s Revised Workout Plan:
Because my word alone can sometimes be worth no more than a McDonald’s Happy Meal (don’t change, babe, don’t change), I’m going to go back to the basics and let Kanye himself tell ya how to redefine that thigh gap. Cue the music:
1. “All the mocha lattes, you gotta do Pilates”
If Kanye were typing this himself, he’d tell you that there is new blood on the leaves and it’s from the new workout in town. It’s called kickboxing and it really “kicks” Pilates out of the sculpting playing field, as well as kicking your own Kim Kardashian rear into shape. Consider it the “magna carta holy grail” of organized workouts.
Adriana Lima, Karlie Kloss, hell even lil K. Jenner herself have been following Kanye’s words and have revealed that “Vic” really has no secret. Get your cute derriere to the punching bags.
If you are like me, and are a girl, then your Starbucks order is a work of art. Mocha latte, blonde espresso, 2% or skim milk, and hell to the no I don’t want whipped cream. It’s not basic, it’s far more complex than that, It’s a personalized masterpiece.
The Lesson: Amp up your workout to be on par with your Starbucks order and do kickboxing.
2. “Date outside the family”
Kanye and I will put this real simple for you: Watch the throne.
While the “family” is typically thought of as relating to just humans, what Kanye was brilliantly trying to say was that it also applies to the food groups!
The Lesson: Date outside the chip and frozen foods aisles, there’s more to life than BOGO Tostitos and salsa. Believe me, this took me a while to stomach, too (literally and metaphorically).
Tip: Have fun with it. You’ll quickly learn that quinoa is not just quinoa, rather its your “Trap Quinoa.” You can be loyal to it, but don’t be afraid to branch out and date outside the family. It won’t kale you. Kanye and I promise.
3. “Eat your salad, no dessert, get that man you deserve”
I was outlet shopping the other day and, while I had a brand new closet in my arms, I realized that you may be able to discount your clothing, but you can’t discount your feelings. Every girl knows about the two most important men in her life: Christian Louboutin and KANYE WEST (I’m kidding, I’m not that obnoxious guys). The second is Michael Kors. These men don’t just create necessities, they harness dreams. These are the “men that you deserve.”
While a Christian Louboutin can add a dash of red to any outfit and also lengthen your new skeleton legs, these shoes don’t choose just anybody. They go accompany a certain lifestyle.
Kanye would tell you that “he ain’t sayin you need to be a gold digger but the men (Louboutin and Kors) ain’t messing with…” well you know.
The Lesson: By gold digger, Kanye doesn’t mean rich in funds, he means rich in vitamins and healthy foods! Start to live the lifestyle that earns the men that you deserve.
All in all, on behalf of Yeezy and myself, we appreciate your time. Now, we want to see you workout for us. Mic drop.