Calvin Harris Came Out With A Break Up Song And Now Things Got Interesting

Becca Van Sambeck
Becca is a recent Fordham grad, a former German beer hall girl, and a new Brooklyn resident who used to read the dictionary for fun as a kid. She has only gotten slightly less lame since then. She loves pugs, chicken fingers, reading and Game of Thrones.

A few months ago, I told a friend that I thought Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris were potentially the most boring celebrity couple of all time — the celebrity couple equivalent of vanilla yogurt. They didn’t even have a couple’s name! But oh boy, was I proven wrong.

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The aftermath of the breakup initially seemed just as fucking boring as the two of them together (He didn’t want to commit! They were both really busy! Best wishes to each other!). But then evil genius Taylor threw a real curveball: making out with Tom Hiddleston all over the rocks of Rhode Island just a mere two weeks after the breakup.

Oh, and this whole thing with Hiddleston didn’t exactly come out of nowhere. Just a month before a video of the pair dancing together at the Met Gala went viral, prompting many to speculate that they would make a decent couple. Her very public, very quick new relationship and Calvin’s clear anger with the situation has led to rampant speculation of cheating. Now, Calvin Harris has proved he learned a lil’ something after all that time dating Taylor Swift: he released a revenge song.

The track, sung by John Newman, sounds like the musical equivalent of Señor Frogs and would’ve been otherwise forgettable, if it wasn’t all about a cheating girlfriend. Ole, indeed.

BUT.

Is Taylor Swift really the cheater in the relationship? After all, remember last winter, when Calvin Harris was spotted coming out of a massage parlor? One described enthusiastically by Yelp as the best spot for happy endings in all of L.A.? Yeah, that’s not a great look for Calvin either.

I asked a few people what their thoughts were on the situation.

What’s worse: Emotional cheating or a paid hand job?

One guy friend told me: “I would really hesitate to call it cheating if somebody in a relationship gets a ‘happy ending’ from a masseuse. Obviously, if somebody in a monogamous couple is interested in getting one, it would be best to talk about it with your partner and see if they are comfortable with that fact. If your partner isn’t cool with it, then don’t do it. It’s just a hand job. You can give yourself one.

“But in a general sense, I don’t think that is cheating. Masseuses who provide those services are sex workers, and again, it’s just a hand job. It’s utterly lacking from the emotional connection, or even the shared, vulnerable, pleasurable physical experience that shades most other sexual encounters. The masseuse is giving you a massage, and then continuing to massage you on the dick. Sure, it’s different, but not WILDLY different.”

A girl friend, however, told me: “I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with my partner acting in a physical way with anyone, paid or not. If others in a relationship chose to utilize those services, I believe they should openly communicate about that beforehand.”

Another girlfriend summed it up simply with: “What the fuck, no. That’s not allowed.”

Another boy told me a trip like that could be seen as a way to de-stress. What this mainly told me is that girls should maybe tell their boyfriends they can’t go to massage parlors.

However, everyone seemed pretty united in the idea that emotional cheating is 100 percent not okay.

Aforementioned guy friend told me, “Putting myself in their respective shoes, I’d rather have my partner get a massage and some hand sex than have her texting a guy all the time and having feelings for him.”

The girls agreed, with one saying “If an emotional connection caused him to support another above myself, that would become an issue.”

So are both of them cheaters? Are neither of them, really?

Look, nobody knows what really happened. Both sides have insisted no cheating of any kind was involved. Maybe it was a fake relationship the whole time! Maybe Taylor broke up with Calvin as soon as she realized she liked Tom, maybe Calvin was just feeling kind of broke so he wanted a $40 massage? Maybe no real lines were crossed. We don’t know.

What we do know is that Taylor and Calvin have given us easily the most interesting celebrity drama of the summer, and we will be eagerly awaiting their next move. Will Taylor release a song called “Adios?” Will Calvin attempt to seduce Karlie Kloss? Only time will tell who really wins this breakup.

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In the meantime, listen to “Ole” and speculate who thought this was actually a good revenge attempt. And no, seriously, girls maybe talk to your boyfriends about massage parlors.

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