Six People We Think Are Excited For A Trump Presidency

Leo was raised with the perfect balance of pop culture obsession and a total lack of athleticism. He spends most of his time trying to decide what show to watch next, giving up, and then putting on Chopped or Seinfeld. His parents thought he'd be a doctor or lawyer until he wrote his SAT essay explaining the entire plot of the show "Lost." Leo now works in NYC and fulfills his desperate need for attention by writing articles and playing with leashed dogs waiting for their owner to get out of Starbucks.

We decided to go and speak with some real Americans who are excited about Donald Trump and what he’ll bring to Washington.


Ernie Keebler

“…Obama made me get insurance for my 50,000 employees. Back in the day, when someone drowned in fudge, we called that taking one for the team. I’m also so tired of all these humans coming in and taking factory jobs away from us elves.

20something: “Do you mean Mexicans specifically?”

“Oh no, we’re not racist! We just mean humanity as a species. Trump is the best shot we’ve ever had of getting rid of these pesky humans. I want America to be great again when it was only us Elves, unicorns, and a Bigfoot or two.”


Your E-mail Server

“You love Trump. You love Putin. You are happy. Happiness is Trump.

мать Россия делает все хорошо”



“As a proud representative of Trump’s African vote, I wanted someone who could bring the change I was desperately seeking. Listen, I used to be in politics and it doesn’t always help to be prepared….sometimes you need to go in, drain the swamp, dry out the river, kill all the trees, and salt the earth for people to bow down to you.”


Trump’s 4th Wife

“All I want for my 18th birthday is a new car and to be First Lady.” #goalz #FirstLady2019


Angelica Pickles

“I’m too little to vote, but Mr. Trump is my role model. We’re tired of you babies crying over spilled milk….just ‘cause we kicked it over.

Listen, Cynthia and I know if you want something you take it….and if you don’t get it, you scream until mommy or daddy gives it to you. Working hard and playing nice is for dumb faces losers, like Susie Carmichael.”


The Monopoly Man (Rich Uncle Pennybags [yes, that’s his real name])

“I’m simply honored to be able to elect an individual who understands me and my interests

People are confused about Trump’s rise, but it’s truly quite simple….sometimes you get into this big ‘game’ for fun, your father slips you some extra money early on, next thing you know you’re building hotels on Boardwalk, everyone owes you favors because they can’t afford rent, and by the time everyone figures out you cheated, you’ve already won the game.”

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