Getting married. What could I compare it to? Oh, I don’t know. It’s like having sex with a horse. I couldn’t imagine doing it, the thought alone scares the shit out of me, but if someone I know was going to do it then I’d very much like to watch. Yep, that’s the most romantic analogy for getting married that my heart has to offer at this point in my life. As a matter of fact, it’s safe to say that in the next 10 years, I’ve got a better chance of ending up on a splintered wooden stage, beneath a neon green spotlight begging Seabiscuit for mercy than I do staring gently into the eyes of a loved one and saying, “I do.”
Christ. Those two scenarios are oddly similar…
All that said (and with my sincerest apologies), the terrifying reality that people our age are actually starting to get married is just that — terrifying. While most of us can agree that it’s all happening a little too soon, it doesn’t help soften the overwhelming suggestion that we are so, so far away from having our shit together. Whether it’s calling up your ex for fun and saying something like “see, this is why we broke up you always be entertaining your exes,” or devoting an unhealthy amount of energy to finding the most creative spot to hide a Smirnoff Ice; the results are in, and things are not well.
Despite the often-self-served embarrassment we devour on a weekly basis, there is at least one thing that never fails to penetrate directly to the elusive core of our hearts:
Getting snubbed on a wedding invite.
It’s right up there with getting unfollowed on Instagram by a close friend. For those of you older folk not attuned to the drastic implications of such a maneuver, it essentially ends a friendship. Sure, you might be civil in public, but I promise you, the underlying tension caused by an unfollow will invalidate any future hope of a genuine friendship.
But while being unfollowed is, for the most part, a very private form of abuse, a wedding snub is as open and obvious as it gets. We’ve been there. It usually starts with one of your asshole friends who got the invite sending a group message out to everyone else they assume was also invited. You sit quietly and observe some very enthusiastic exchanges amongst 17 people and finally build up the courage to say “lol, damn..didn’t get invited.” You get a few “What!? no way” and “that’s literally SO WEIRD” and then you hear nothing after that because a new group chat was formed without you by the same asshole.
While everyone else is asking questions like:
Am I bridesmaid?
Am I a high-ranking bridesmaid?
Am I sitting close to the bride and groom?
Am I sitting with a bunch of god damn losers?
You’re instead, sitting at home by yourself wondering where your friendship took a wrong turn. Amongst other thoughts that don’t necessarily make you proud…
Getting snubbed doesn’t mean your friend doesn’t like you. Of course, not everyone can be invited. Sure, you may have thought that blacking out nearly every night with each other in undergrad or counseling them through a bad breakup would be enough, but it often requires more intimate moments to make the cut these days. This shit is exclusive now, whether you like it or not. It’s not about just being a good friend. You need to be someone that had some sort of influence in the romance. Someone they’d want present for the dumbest, but most important moment of their lives. Think of the couple as a separate, independent being. An invite to the wedding means you are THEIR friend — not just his friend, not just her friend. It’s a big deal.
You want to be there. I want you to be there. So here’s how we’re going to do it.
1. Make a list
The first thing you’ll want to do is make a list of all the people you know in a serious relationship. Don’t worry about whether you actually think there is a chance you’ll get invited. Just put everyone on there. While you’re at it, go ahead and also add your friends who might currently be single but are the “relationship type.” Odds are they’ll be hitting the panic button soon and could go from dating to engaged in less than six months and you do not want to miss an opportunity to attend that shit show.
2. Plan your attack
If you’ve already made your list, then you’re a piece of shit. It’s important you come to grips with this conclusion before moving forward. We’ll need full commitment in order to make this work. Don’t feel bad. It’s their fault for making you feel insecure about the strength of your friendship. They’re the REAL piece of shit, okay? Good?
Now what you don’t want to do is text everyone at the same time. It’s likely you haven’t talked to these people in a while, and that’s okay. But remember, couples like to hang out with other couples. And the last thing you want is Becky to turn to Shana and say, “did Bridgette just text you?” If you need to, set reminders on your phone, or plug alerts into your calendar letting you know when you need to reach out. Once a month is probably fine. Maybe on Tuesday nights you check in with high school friends and on Sunday afternoons you check in with college friends. Remember, you’re a piece of shit, so it’s literally okay.
3. Befriend the significant other
I can’t stress the importance of this enough. Becoming buddy-buddy with your friend’s fiancé is crucial. Follow them on Instagram, like their pictures on Facebook, tag them together in funny memes, spend a little more time with them at parties. Just show an interest. Trust me, even if they already think you’re a piece of shit, they won’t have any idea you’re only doing this to get invited to their wedding. At some point, your friend is going to go through the invite list with bae and will say something like “dang, what about Jay. He’s not really one of the boys, but…I mean.” And that’s when the S.O. will chime in with an “I LOVE, JAY! HE’S SO FUN!” Boom. You’re in. You did it you piece of shit.
4. Get Your One-On-One Time
Treat this like an interview. You have an opportunity to show them you’re invested in their future, you’re thrilled for them and you’ll behave. Remember, you’re on the fringe, you need to prove yourself. Be cool, but remember why you’re there. Maybe you’ll want to casually bring up how you know the perfect person for wedding pictures (you don’t) or you know someone that works for The Knot and they’re looking to feature a new couple in the magazine (massive lie). But use this opportunity to create some value. You’re not going to get invited because you’re cute and funny. This is a business decision for them. You’re expensive.