You ever just wake up, all flustered and pissed off from the sound of your alarm? Like, really? A fucking alarm…?
It’s almost 2016 and our best and brightest still haven’t discovered a civilized way for human beings to wake up from the tranquil comatose that is sleep, or as some people like to call it, death, but less commitment. At least call it something else besides an alarm, particularly something that doesn’t mean “an anxious awareness of danger.”
We literally start our morning bracing ourselves to what might as well be a hysterical flight attendant screaming “OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT! Lol, Just kidding everyone, we’ll be landing in 10 minutes.” Which almost always painfully interrupts an otherwise amusing dream.
Nonetheless, you punch the pillow, swing your feet around and plop them on the cold floor. You walk into the bathroom, spend five minutes rolling your tube of toothpaste just to squeeze out enough gel to clean one tooth, and as soon as you position your brush under the faucet, the last bit of minty hope rolls off the bristles and down the drain.
You get a glance of your tired eyes in the mirror and despite the seductive display of perfect arch (natural) that accompany your eye brows, it’s not enough to subdue your elevated heart rate and clenched fists as you think to yourself “I’m going to unfollow some fucking people on Instagram today.” A spontaneous inclination only reserved for the most unpleasant mornings.
Unfortunately, most people leave their homes, get in their cars and drive to work without making any effort to relieve themselves of this overwhelming intolerance for even the subtlest of inconveniences. This is the woman who weaves in and out of the lanes just so she can cut you off and have one less car to wait behind in the bumper-to-bumper traffic. Nobody is navigating around it you weirdo. Or the guy at Starbucks, who in an effort to pour out some of his hot coffee to add a splash of milk, does it waaaaaaaaay to slow as a thick stream of lava runs down the side of his cup and down the sleeve of his white shirt, emphatically hollering “OH JESUS SWEEET CHILD OF MINE GOD DAMMIT!!”
You know these people. You hate these people.
This type of behavior is confusing. It makes everyone uncomfortable. It makes you feel like a newborn baby on a movie set, wondering why Zach Galifianakis keeps jiggling your hand up and down and what exactly is so funny about it.
We’ve all fallen victim to morning assholes. Many of us are familiar with the expression:
If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.
Assholes aside, it’s not healthy to leave your house and enter the world without, in someway, having cleansed your mental palate. You’re an adult. Leave your whiny bullshit in the toilet (I’m sorry).
Get up a little earlier if you need to. Stretch. Maybe do some yoga. Maybe take a very gentle exfoliation brush (preferably made from 100 percent wild boar, don’t ask, just do) and purge the psycho from the surface of your skin. JUST TAKE A FEW MINUTES TO BREATHE FOR GOD’S SAKE. Do whatever you need to do to be a human being. We’re all too young to be so irritable. Like really, why should we ever be mad. If you’re reading this I’m sure things are fine in your life. So just chill, please just chill out.
If you find yourself unfollowing people on Instagram before 8 a.m., don’t get in your car. You’re a crazy person right now.