Corporate America. Everybody who has worked in this environment knows the cast of characters that comes in it. I’ve now had my adult job for two years and come to recognize the names and faces of almost everybody there as well as the categories that they fall in. Below are some of the standouts:
These are the people who show up at 9 in the morning (even though their first meeting isn’t until 10:15) and leave at 7:30 p.m. The first to show up at the meeting and the last one to leave. They always want to sign-up for every company extracurricular activity and hope to receive a gold star for participation. They know everyone’s name in the office, where they live, where they’ve worked before, how many kids they have, previous job, and is on a first name basis with everyone on the janitorial staff.
The Unknown Oldie
On the opposite end of the spectrum we have the people that have been there forever and no one knows what they do. They remember when the company had “eight employees and they worked out of one office.” They remember when “no one in the company had any health insurance,” and “company parties were just 10 people.” They can tell you personal stories about the CEO, CFO and just about every other executive in the company, because of their longevity. However, they are somewhat protected and don’t really worry about their job security. They talk back, slack off, and generally don’t do a lot of work. In fact if you really think about it, nobody’s quite sure what this person does. They spend a lot of their time at work online shopping, participating in fantasy leagues and taking smoke breaks.
The New Guy
He’s like the overachiever, but unlike him, the new guy just started working at the company, or so it seems. Even though the new guy has been at the company for six months, he still doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know where HR is, how to log onto Gmail, where the tech bar is, and basically the majority of the essential skills needed for the job. He always dresses in a suit despite the laid back environment of the office, isn’t privy to all the perks of the office, like the fact that yes the snacks are free, everyone gets two floating holidays, and if you email the right person you can get reimbursed for your gym membership.
The Hot One
This male or female looks like they should be modeling for runways of Givenchy rather than working in an office but hey, who are you to complain? They give you a reason to go to the cafeteria nine times a day just so you can walk by their desk, put on that extra coat of mascara in the morning, spritz on a little extra cologne, and stand a little straighter. You and your co-workers sit around making up a backstory for their life and see who can become friends with them first. Bonus points if they’re also nice, I’ve always said there’s nothing worse than a really really crappy but really pretty person.
The “I’m At Work But Don’t Ask Me To Do Any”
These people I frequently identify with. There comes a time in every young employee’s life where they just don’t feel like doing anything. They get up, get dressed, show up to meetings, log onto Gmail, dress the part but just are mentally and spiritually not there. As someone who is an official adult, I have mastered the art of being at work but not doing any work. Now that I’m in a new role I don’t often have this luxury, but sometimes you just have a “don’t ask me to do anything spirit.” They can be at their desk at 9 a.m., aggressively checking BuzzFeed, taking a break from 10 to 10:30, eating an early lunch starting at 11, online grocery shopping from 1 to 2 p.m., napping with their eyes open from 3 to 4 then leaving work early at 5. See! You too can do it with enough perseverance and effort.
Everybody has them and everybody loves them. I personally love mine. They are strange and weird and super smart. Maybe a little too smart for their own good, but they have strange arguments about chemistry, tell really terrible puns, talk about code, computer programs, and all the newest tech stuff. I actually love working with a bunch of developers. They are so strangely wonderful and constantly seem confused about the things going on in my life. Like when I change my hair or my nail color they never really know how to compliment me without being super awkward and strange. It makes me love them all the more. Think about Silicon Valley — these are my co-workers.
The Strange One
This is the creepy employee, who doesn’t seem to have a steady schedule, kind of pops up whenever they want. They linger around in the lunchroom, don’t really have any friends, wear sandals with socks along other awkward clothing combinations. All in all, they just give you the heebie jeebies when you see them.