My oh my. What a surprise. Already slipped the tip into 2017 and ain’t a damn thing has changed! There you go again, lying to yourself like a damn fool! Ya’ll really make me laugh!
Alright alright, I’m not here to rub it in. You’re disappointed, I’m disappointed. Your boyfriend has no idea that the “don’t sweat the small things” written in obnoxiously big letters on the refrigerator whiteboard is really just a clever way to remind yourself that his miniature penis is unfortunately something you’ll have to learn to endure.
I know, we’re already into the second week of January and we talkin’ bout resolutions.
Yes, it’s an incredibly stressful time for you. You’re fragile. You’re ailing. You’re craving misbehavior. You’re either wondering how you could possibly implement the suffering you just weathered for what felt like years for the rest of your life, or you’ve already begun to carefully manipulate your resolutions to manufacture goals your bitch-ass can actually handle.
But there’s hope!
Let’s stop trying to be heroes for a second. Forgive me if I’m wrong (I’m not), but resolutions do not have to be affirmative. If you’ve struggled with your unrealistic agenda to begin this timely new year, then perhaps it’s time you adjust the language. Might I suggest a new year where we STOP doing things instead of starting?
This exercise could be as easy as thinking about all the awful things you did this weekend and simply putting the word “STOP” in front of them, perhaps: stop getting drunk and screaming “I want to be thirty, flirty and thriving” into a bathroom mirror, or maybe: stop going home alone from the bar and putting your ex-girlfriend’s nail polish on and jerking off imagining it’s her hands. It’s time to let go, bro.
No pun intended.
That would be a great start, but we can do more. While the following list may just coincidently be an exhaustive account of things millennials are doing right now that absolutely pinch my ass, I’m sure you’ll find that eliminating these useless, irritating habits from your life, will, at the least, make those who continuously suffer amongst your presence, indebted to your brave commitment.
1. STOP. Spending. So. Much. Fucking. Money. On Food.
I know, January is the worst time to give up the foods. You’re cold, you’re depressed. But I’m begging you. If you actually had any idea what percentage of your income you’re spending on crepes, lava cakes, dumplings and ____ tartare, then you would have found a way to make the shit yourself a long time ago. (Yes, that means you have to actually look at your bank balance). You can cook. I promise you can cook. It’s romantic and it’s cute. Do it alone, do it with a friend, do it with your Bumble match. You’ll save money and you’ll lose weight. And you’ll have more sex. Muhuahhaha.
2. STOP buying lunch.
Yep, another food one. Because this epidemic is so, so irresponsible. Make your own lunch!! Bullshit you don’t have time. You jerk off and binge watch TV shows. I literally had a friend go “DUDE, YOU HAVE TO WATCH WESTWORLD. AFTER YOU WATCH THE FINALE HIT ME UP WE HAVE TO TALK.” So I watched it and called him after the finale like he had asked me to. First thing I said was “So bro, I just finished Westworld”, and he literally said “ Nice, it was sick right, so what you wanna do this weekend?”
That’s all a TV show is worth. To get two jabronis to say “Was it sick?” followed by “Umm ya dude, it was sick.”
It’s not worth it. Do something else.
3. STOP masturbating and binge watching TV shows.
At the same time and independently. I read some crazy thing on some crazy Jesus-loving website that if you masturbate, like I guess this masturbation demon spirit emerges and hovers around you and watches you and doesn’t leave you and tries to sabotage your whole life and summons like, erectile dysfunction demons to also hover around you. It’s all really fucked up and I’m not sure I believe it, but you best believe that every time I type in “www.you-” into my browser I definitely get the feeling something is watching me.
Point is — make your own lunch!!
4. STOP using dating apps.
It’s turning you into a narcissistic piece of shit. You ain’t doing nothing with it. All you have to show for hours of pointless conversation is a sad phone book with your match’s name followed by the dating app you met them on. I’m not saying people on dating apps are crazy, but If you come across a really good looking person, your first thought has to be “ok, but why?” It is ALWAYS too good to be true.
Not even Jswipe is safe. People out there trying to hurt you, mama! Don’t let ’em!
5. STOP selfie sticks. STOP on fleek. STOP bae. STOP twerking. STOP rain drop – drop top.
This was so close to being done until Donald Glover’s Golden Globes Speech. GOD DAMMIT. People are about to escalate this shit again.
6. STOP taking selfies with caption “Mood.”
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK TYPE OF MOOD YOU ARE REFERRING TO. AIN’T NOBODY FEELING HOW YOU FEELIN’ EVER. YOU SHOULD BE ARRESTED.
7. STOP making Instagram accounts for your dog.
I promise you eat shit. Please, please eat shit.
8. STOP smoking and STOP vaping.
Listen, if you are actually addicted to cigarettes I realize this is difficult. But for all of you who claim you are just social smokers…come on. Is it that you only smoke when you’re drunk, or you only smoke when you drink?
Yes, of course, vaping is better than smoking cigarettes. But it isn’t good either. It’s like celebrating going from snorting cocaine to snorting Adderall. Sure, your friends will support you because you’re doing something a bit less harmful, but if you’ve made it that far, then just snort nothing!
9. STOP complaining about having no money.
Nobody cares. Nobody feels bad.
Add some entrepreneurial elements to your life. Add some side hustles — develop multiple revenue streams even if they’re minimal. You are more than just a fucking accountant! Nobody is a fucking accountant! Even the accountant isn’t a fucking accountant. He is a murderer. Go murder people, whatever. Apply yourself.
Lol don’t murder people.
10. STOP being so damn jealous.
If that is the emotion that defines your relationship, then you need to get out.
Trust your significant other, because who else are you supposed to trust?
11. STOP promoting and sharing fake news.
Be diligent. Do your research. Take two minutes to see if the source is legit. Have some self respect. Don’t just share something because it agrees with your particular feelings on a subject. Stop thinking you know everything. Or know ANYTHING for that matter. Watching a biased documentary or a 5-minute video clip narrated by someone in a British accent doesn’t qualify you to be a fucking jerk on Facebook.
Be curious, seek out information, but have an open mind. Unless it’s about climate change. It’s real. If you disagree, kill yourself.
12. STOP pretending like you’re winning.
Why not actually win instead?
Stop being scared to do different things. Stop worrying about getting judged if you fail. Be your number one fan. Take chances, take a risk. Figure out what you want and go get it. Stop wanting everything. Want a few things that are meaningful to you and go get them.
If you’re not doing what you want, what do you have to brag about?
There’s no reason we have to put so much pressure on ourselves at the start of a new year. You have a choice.
Are you willing to accept that you’re going to be the same piece of shit you are right now for the rest of your life? Or, are you prepared to make small, but calculated efforts to incrementally evolve into a person someone might genuinely want to spend time with?
You’re too young to suck so bad.