When people go out to eat at a restaurant, they act like they’re famous and important. It’s a time in their life when they get doted on. They can pretty much do whatever they want. After all, they’re paying for the experience. Right? Wrong! Here are a few things you should definitely avoid doing when going out to eat.
Watch your fucking kids please
No one is working in a restaurant to babysit the nose-pickers that come in. Most people working in the food industry fucking hate children. Servers would love nothing more than tripping your kids as they run in circles around the guy carrying four plates. High knees is a method used to ward off running children. Walk like you’re leading a marching band. That way, if a child gets too close, they catch a knee to the head and learn for next time.
Your kids are in more danger than you think when they treat a restaurant like a playroom. You’ve been warned.
Talk to each other
Believe it or not some people go out to eat with people they don’t like. Weird, right? If you and your significant other don’t get along, that’s completely okay. But if that is the case, you two need to cook dinner at home, or grab a bite at Wendy’s. There is nothing worse than a table staring at the server because they have nothing to say to each other after 10 years of marriage.
This kind of takes the “eat with people you like” premise and pushes it a little further. I’ve seen couples who have gone past the point of disliking each other, and have reached a stage where they can’t stand the sight their former love. One time a wife slapped her husband across the face. This came after a brutal argument that could be heard across the room. So, don’t argue — and definitely don’t put hands on the person you are out to eat with.
Take it easy with the PDA
People, this is a restaurant, not the back of a prom limo. If you’re out to eat and get an urge, just get the check and leave. You’re more than likely not homeless (ie. you’re paying for someone else to cook your food). So just get the rest of the meal to go and hook up at home. Customers pound down a few drinks, tell a couple jokes, and all of a sudden they want to play tonsil hockey at the table next to a family. I’ve personally seen people rounding bases and thinking they’re so damn secretive. We all know what you’re doing! Get your hands out of each other’s pants and go to your car like you did in your teen years.
Always, I repeat ALWAYS tip your server
This is not Ancient Egypt. You’re are not a king nor a god. The people bringing food to your table have bills to pay. They aren’t blessed because they get to help fatten you up. Food service has an unwritten rulebook and rule-number-mother-fucking-one is that you tip your server. It’s preferred you pop in 20 percent or more. Don’t be cheap. Dealing with you crazy condescending animals is difficult. Generally, your server wants to slap you in the face and throw a plate in your lap. So picture the tip as a thank you for escaping unscathed.