Learn How To Tame Your Inner Ego And Date With Your Soul Instead

Bianca Hofman
Bianca Hofman is a Dutch ultrashort-story writer, based in Barcelona, Spain. She writes super short stories about dating, culture and career. But who is Morris? Morris is Bianca’s imaginary muse, her yin, her alter ego, whatever you want to call him. "Y" means "And" in Spanish, in case you didn’t know. Yes, Bianca&Morris. Bianca has a passionate relationship with the city she lives in. Together with her sister she founded Barcelona Hofman, a flash fiction collaboration. The sisters launched Barcelona Hofman, May 2016, with an exposition during the open art gallery weekend in Barcelona. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/biancamorris.hofman Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/biancaymorris/ Twitter: @biancaymorris and @Bianca_Hofman

So, someone you’ve been seeing all of a sudden dumps you after just a few dates. And it hurts. But let’s be honest here, why does it hurt? Does it hurt because it feels like you’ve just lost the love of your life? Or is it because your ego just got a punch in the face?

When a new guy starts to tell you that you’re sexy, intelligent, funny, etc., your ego is pleased. We’d all be lying if we said we don’t like it when someone whispers these things in our ear. But if we aren’t careful, our ego can entirely take over, and we can find ourselves in need rather than in love. 

Ego is a hard thing to define, because it isn’t just one specific thing. Personally, I like this explanation: the ideas of opinion you have of yourself.  It’s basically our self-constructed identity — how smart we think we are, how attractive, how capable.

Ego is normally the part of us that needs approval from others. It can make you stay with a person because you need them, it can cause jealousy and anger, it can make you gossip or make it difficult to apologize.

Of course, when you’ve been dumped, you have the right to be angry. You are free to scream that all men are the same, that he in particular is the world’s biggest idiot and is missing out because you are so FUCKING fabulous. Completely normal.

Sticking to male-bashing until you die is one way to handle it, but I personally prefer to look in the mirror and face my ego — to get to the root of the problem.

Our egos often experience a kind of “yo-yo effect.” Mine looks pretty healthy now, but in certain dating situations it has been big, fat and needy too. And in these situations, we need a reality check. We need to take the time to ask ourselves: why am I so angry with this person? If you’re ready to be rational about it, you’ll likely find that your ego is a big part of the problem.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you’ll be impervious to the hurt of someone not wanting to be with you simply by being aware of your ego. But it can help to let someone go when you realize that the root of your anger has nothing to do with someone’s actions and attitude, but with your hidden fears and insecurities — the fear to stay alone, for example, or feeling of inadequacy.

We all have an ego, and that’s okay, but it’s time we learn to tame it, not date it.

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A photo posted by @biancaymorris on

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