I know. You hate me already. I haven’t even said anything and you hate me.
You’re thinking, not only does this asshole think that faking an orgasm is okay but now he wants to tell me how I should do it?
Just please, hold on for a second. I am not a monster. Of course, I’d prefer you have a real orgasm as I’m sure you would, but we both know it’s not always that simple. Are there not situations where faking an orgasm can benefit both of us, or at a minimum, you? Oh Jesus, now look at me. Prancing around like some sort of hero. Pretending like I’m doing you a favor by writing this when I’m really only thinking about myself. Such a typical guy.
But no. Wait. Stop. I’m different. I’m not like other guys. I get it and I agree. Why should someone so bad at sex deserve to feel like he’s the man? Society already treats us like we’re royalty, why should you betray your fellow sisters and perpetuate the nauseating male delusion that we all in fact bring the ruckus to the ladies?
Ideally, if your partner isn’t getting you off you want to have open communication about it. You want to be honest but gentle to encourage a healthy, enduring sexual relationship. But can we agree that it’s easier said than done? Whether single, dating or married, confrontation is something we all actively seek to avoid. Will your fake orgasm prevent an argument? Will it prevent an awkward moment? Might it actually lead to a real orgasm? Maybe. But it certainly doesn’t make you a bad person.
You’ve been there. He wants to have sex but you’re exhausted. You just want to go to bed. You’re not in the mood. The sex is terrible. You’re drunk. You don’t want him to feel bad but you definitely don’t want him to keep trying. Or maybe, however unlikely, you’ve already had your orgasm and he just hasn’t yet.
When that time comes, I want you to be ready. I want to help you fool that stupid idiot like the stupid idiot he is. If you’re going to fake it, don’t you want to fake it good? Lol I mean come on, have some self-respect amirite? Commitment goes both ways, nobody likes a hypocrite.
THAT WAS A JOKE.
Stay with me.
You don’t want to seek the counsel of another woman for this advice. And understandably, it is not realistic for you to ask one of your guy friends, nor would it be likely that a guy friend would offer you his honest feedback on the matter, at least not in a way as eloquently and detailed as I’m prepared to.
Guiding you through the best way to fake an orgasm requires the answer to one simple question: What would you need to do to convince me you’re having a real one? As someone incredibly well experienced in the fauxgasm industry, there is no better guy to lean on. Or sit on, if you will. Haha, ew.
You hate me. I can feel it. Nonetheless. I did this for ju. So here we go.
1. Verbal Chaos
Unpredictability. That should be the theme of your fake orgasm. While it applies to your body movements and your breathing, it most effectively applies to what you choose to say. Things like “I’m almost there” and “right there don’t stop” are for amateurs. You’re no amateur. You’re a god damn lady. Use this fake orgasm as opportunity to purge yourself of any unaddressed conflict in your relationship. Seriously, say all the mean things you want, that stupid idiot literally will not care. Don’t have anything mean to say? Try rounding off some of your favorite movie quotes to freak that boy out. Spontaneous cinematic references? If that doesn’t spell great sex then I don’t what does.
Instead of “I’M COMING!!” how about try:
Or maybe during missionary, look him deeply in his stupid idiot eyes and say:
And if he asks you where he should pop the cork, just hit him in the blind side with your honesty
I really just need you to talk like you’re Christian Bale in Batman. If you’re not going to at least do that then I doubt you’re going to fool anyone. Even the stupid idiots.
2. Abnormal Breathing
Breathing is key. Heart rate is key. And blood flow is a game changer. You want to start with normal inhales and exhales and slowly work your way towards diabla loca. The goal is to induce a nice reddish hue on your cheeks so that stupid idiot thinks you’re heating up. So, think about something that will get your heart pounding like a massive fire breaking out and killing everyone you love. Too extreme for you? Cool, guess you don’t want to be good at faking orgasms.
Commit or quit. I’m not going to say it again.
3. Curl your toes
Come on. It’s like, if a white girl falls in the forest, did she even? If you curl your toes somewhere he can’t see them or feel them then did you even curl your toes? Place your feet somewhere that stupid idiot can appreciate them and crunch those toes almost as if a real orgasm was building up at the bottom of your heels and began to creep up your leg only to strike your hooha like lightning. Lmao, could you imagine?
Not today sweetheart. We’re not in the real orgasm business.
Whatever you can grab onto. His back, his shoulders, his butt, his stupid idiot ears — remember, you hate this guy, so you don’t have to be gentle. It makes me feel quite lovely when a lady strangles my muscles like she’s trying to squeeze a dollar out of the cheap Jew that I am.
Have a go!
5. The Eyes
You know how I know when someone is lying to me? They don’t look me in my eyes. Even stupid idiots know that. So look at that stupid idiot while you’re lying to him in such a yummy and cute way. It’s okay. Look at that boy you playin’ like a fiddle. Look at how dumb he looks! Now roll your eyes back and watch how excited that dumb stupid idiot gets. Look at what you’re doing to him and you don’t even care. You’re the boss.
Now that we’ve gone this far, I’m going to ask you a simple question and I want you to answer me.
Who’s the big winner here tonight?
That’s right. You’re the big winner.
6. Shake it!
All those weird workout machines ya’ll be doing at the gym. Now is the time. SHAKE DAT LEG GIRL. Don’t worry about looking silly or dumb. That’s what’s great about all of this. A real orgasm also looks silly and dumb, and that is exactly how you look. So what’ve you got to lose??
Okay, holy shit we made it. We’re ready. He’s ready. He’s looked like he’s about to sneeze for the last 30 seconds.
LET’S DO THIS SHIT, BECCA.
Extend your legs! Arch your back! Holy shit! It’s working! He’s so stupid!!!!!
While the hard part is over, this is the most important. Get on the other side of the bed and tell him not to touch you. Mostly because you’re disgusted by him but also because it’s a really good sell. He’s going to think you must be so drained from your intense climb to pleasure and ultimate descent into blissful oblivion. But he’s a stupid idiot.
So just lay there saying “baked in a buttery flaky crust” to yourself over and over again until he falls asleep.
We did it.
Now let me be clear. I know this all sounds terrible. Truly winning would be having an actual orgasm. Yes, duh, of course. If you’re constantly faking an orgasm then that is not okay. But it happens. Someone else can write the article on why you should never fake orgasm. In fact, I’m sure my words today have already inspired someone to do so. But while you wait for that one, if some stupid idiot comes along and you think any bit of what I said would be helpful in neutralizing an unfortunate sexual encounter, you’re welcome.
Now I’ll ask you again. Who’s the big winner here tonight?
That’s right. You’re the big winner.