Why Caitlyn Jenner Is None Of Our Business

Brette is an aspiring Real Housewife of Miami currently attending law school in New York City until her parents decide that its someone else’s turn to foot the bill. She graduated from the University of Florida with a major in political science and a minor in parking tickets. Since being banned for life from Starbucks after one too many fights with one too many baristas over name misspellings, she has dropped her last name indefinitely, choosing instead to refer to herself as the single syllable androgyny: Brette. Either that or she still thinks her tagged photos from college will still prevent her from ever getting a legitimate job. You can find her on Instagram @brette___ or on JDate in approximately 3 years.

Let me start this off by saying that I fully supported Bruce Jenner, and I currently support Caitlyn Jenner. After all, if I didn’t, I would be sent on a one-way trip to the 7th circle of hell along with the people who think Josh Duggar touching little girls was just a sign from Jesus that the girls needed to “toughen up.” I believe in human rights, I think that people should be free to do what they want, with whomever they want and that nobody has the right to get in their goddamn way.

I do not, however, remotely support the media circus that Caitlyn Jenner’s reveal has sparked. Within minutes of the Vanity Fair Instagram post, I received 18 texts messages, 6 Instagram tags, and a Facebook instant message from my full-time employed mother. If my grandmother were still alive today, I’m sure she would’ve managed to accidentally send a mass e-mail in an attempt to FaceTime me all while her phone was still in her pocket to ask if I could get the number of Caitlyn Jenner’s “faaaaaaahbulous” plastic surgeon.

Bruce’s public transformation into a woman, who we now have come to know as Caitlyn, has opened up uncharted channels of communication. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected my father to casually ask me “Brette, have you seen Bruce Jenner’s new boobs?” over subpar Chinese takeout. My parents attempting to explain to me that Bruce was famous for his Olympic decathlon as opposed to being the patriarch of the Kardashian dynasty is about as laughable as when they try and tell me Mickey Rourke’s face didn’t always look like a genetically modified pumpkin squash. Though his journey has shed tons of light on the taboo topic of what it means to be transgender, it shed nothing more than artificial light. You know, the kind Kim poses under to give us all the illusion of talent.

Think about the circumstances in which Bruce underwent his transformation. First of all, he had a platform to make being transgender a trendy topic. For years, comedians have been making fun of Bruce and punchlining his feminine characteristics. They went BESERK when Bruce was caught driving with a pink manicure. Once the news broke, however, comedians were silenced. After all, who wants to ridicule a soon-to-be Arthur Ashe Courage Award-winner? Next, Bruce got a two-hour Friday night primetime interview with one of America’s most prestigious journalists to answer the burning questions we all wanted to know.

With a month left of college at the time of the interview, I sure as shit was not going to sit in on a Friday night to listen to this sensationalized spew. However, somewhere between my 3rd or 4th vodka soda of the evening, the entire bar I was at went still. All at once people received the CNN alert on their phones, “Bruce Jenner is for all intents and purposes a woman.” People responded as if Osama Bin Laden came back from the dead and cured cancer. The King of Hollywood himself, Ryan Seacrest, produces Bruce’s show, meaning any high profile naysayers of Bruce’s transformation would risk their careers being stomped on by Seacrest’s physically tiny but metaphorically enormous leprechaun feet. Yesterday, when the Vanity Fair cover broke, people were gushing over how gorgeous Caitlyn looked, applauding the bravery of Bruce for appearing on the cover of a top publication, airing all of his and her dirty laundry.

The reality of the situation is that most people who face the same gender identity struggle that once imprisoned Bruce Jenner will never see the kind of successful transformation he did. They do not have access to professional PR teams that will send out a well-crafted statement to the individual’s friends, family, co-workers, and awkward people who still keep tabs on their lives from high school. The best they have to work with is a thoughtful Facebook status, which no one bothers to read unless it has a cute meme attached to it anyways. They are going to have to sit their family down and answer their questions, and I promise they will not be as politically correct as Diane Sawyer’s. Oh you think ESPN is going to give you an award too? Think again. Bruce Jenner had every available resource to make his transition as smooth as possible. If you think he was driving down Rodeo Drive and called up the first plastic surgeon he saw advertised on a billboard you are sadly mistaken. The transformation itself between therapy, hormones, genital reconstruction, and facial reformation will run you a bill of at least $75,000. (http://health.costhelper.com/sex-reassignment-surgery.html)

To put the family’s wealth in perspective, Kylie Jenner makes more from a single tweet promoting a product than the average waitress does in a year. (Speaking of Kylie, I don’t care what sort of support she sends on social media, the girl is 17 for God’s sake, when I was 17 I was too embarrassed to buy thongs in front of my dad let alone discuss the notion of transformative genitals. The girl is dating a 25 year old thug with a child and a facial tattoo, how am I the only one who sees this as a cry for help?!?!). So in no way, shape or form can Caitlyn’s journey be compared to the average transgender person’s.

It’s kind of like when you see that People Magazine’s cover of some C list celeb who dropped all 40 pounds of her baby weight in 5 weeks. First of all, no one cares. Second of all, she has a nutritionist, a personal trainer, and probably has a Weight Watcher’s sponsorship waiting for her if she drops just 5 more lbs. It sets unrealistic goals and just makes the rest of us feel like once we have babies, life as we know it is over.

Last night I fell asleep to E! News as Giuliana Rancic was reciting the exact times in which the Kardashian Klan expressed statements of support. (“Khloe Kardashian was first to lend her support, tweeting 9:46am ‘We were given this life because you were strong enough to live it! I couldn’t be prouder!!! #Caitlyn.’”) This went on for about an hour. I was disgusted by the fact that this was even considered news. You know, considering ISIS is still a thing and what not. People have babies, come out of the closet, and transform their lives every single day. I’m sick of celebrities halting the lives of regular people just because they do these things too. I love gossiping just as much as your average 22-year-old ~funemployed~ girl, but Caitlyn Jenner isn’t gossip, she’s simply none of our business.

On that note, feel free to send and share this article with those aforementioned awkward high school people you’re still friends with on Facebook.