So it’s almost Friday night, and it’s time to survey your options for the weekend. Maybe you’re one of those lucky people who’s actually going on a date this Friday! *Jewish mom sips martini somewhere*
While this is obviously exciting, it also leads to a very good question: what are you supposed to do with your date?! Winter is officially here, so it’s not like you can go boating in Central Park, or drink at that fancy rooftop bar, or ride bikes down a scenic route, laughing with each other like some cliche romcom montage. Options are limited. You’re trying to go inside and stay there all night. You could go with the classic standby, dinner and a movie, but what movie to pick from?
This week, the hype is all about The Revenant. Star Wars is finally becoming old news and just TRY to find one person who has even expressed a hint of interest in seeing horror film The Forest. The Revenant has a Golden Globe for Best Drama, Leo DiCaprio crawling for miles to get to that Oscar, and a vicious bear attack- but is it ideal for date night?
Well, the good news is, Leo is, for once, not a threat. This movie might as well be a three hour ad for chapstick. He has a grungy beard that would put any Williamsburg hipster to shame. He is dirty and unshowered and it’s possible his character has never smiled before once in his life. All that DiCaprio charisma is gone, unless you/your date is REALLY into the strong, silent type. While before you may have watched the movie wishing it was Leo DiCaprio passing you the popcorn, or alternately, worrying that that was what was going on in your date’s head (it was), The Revenant displays a DiCaprio at Peak Unsexiness.
Is this the face of a man you want to kiss?!
Perhaps you were tempted by The Forest because it’s a horror film, and the main reason to go see a horror film is to have an excuse to snuggle up because you’re just sooo afraid and it’s not like there’s some compelling plot you just need to pay attention to, so you can just make out like you’re 15 again. That’s a good reason! But don’t worry- The Revenant offers the same experience! The movie has enough gruesome moments to put the Saw movies to shame- dude gets ripped to shreds by a bear, and that’s just the beginning- So you have plenty of moments to dive into your date’s shoulder for protection. There are chopped-off fingers, arrows to the throat, buckets of blood, and plenty of time devoted to long, drawn out suffering. And don’t worry if you miss a few minutes of the movie. Rest assured, all you missed was more of silent DiCaprio getting fucked over and over again during his never-ending crawl.
Just one of the plenty of dead people you’ll get to see.
The Revenant has other things going for it
1. It’s got prestige so you can seem cultured for picking it
2. You can gauge whether or not your date has good taste
3. You probably wanted to see it anyway
4. And the last thing your date is going to want to do after watching it is go outside into those dangerous elements that almost took out Leo, so you have an easy way to invite them back for some Netflix and chill.
Is The Revenant a good date movie? Well, it’s not Titanic, but considering the options, we’re gonna have to say it’s a solid yes.