How To Truly Know When “He’s Just Not That Into You”

Amanda Pena
Amanda Pena is one of those bridge and tunnel people that frequents the city for her job and the Chipotle on every other block. She hopes to be the next Cheryl Strayed and touch people's lives through her writing and/or find the best prosciutto deli in Manhattan.

One of my favorite reads on relationships is Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo’s, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys. We all say that women are from Venus and men are from Mars, yet while women are beautiful, strong, and often misinterpreted beings of nature, men are just…not.

Men are not as complicated as we make them out to be, and Behrendt and Tuccillo are here as your relationship mentor, best friend, and cocktail buddy to tell you of the warning signs that reveal the painful truth – he’s just not that into you.

I referred to this book so often when I found myself in an unsatisfying relationship. I was wasting my time trying to turn all of his obvious non-committal behaviors into something positive, purposely misinterpreting all of his excuses for why he didn’t call or make enough time. Needless to say, all I did was stay in a relationship longer than I should have, hoping his mixed messages were just a harmless misplacement of an emoji.

Although the book gave me some tough love advice that poked at sensitive places I didn’t want to be poked at, it gave me the clarity I needed; clarity that I’m sure many women are seeking in dead-end relationships.

Without further ado, here are the top ten takeaways from your pocket guide to stop sitting by the phone and taking back control:


  1. If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do.”
  2. “I’m about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction…Remember men are never too busy to get what they want.”
  3. “A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.”

  4. “Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”
  5. “But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.”
  6. “Alone also means available for someone outstanding.”

  7. “If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.”
  8. “I believe in love the verb, not the noun.”

  9. “(Men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, ‘You’re not the one.’ We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.”
  10. “Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?”