Even though everyone is lazy sometimes, it’s incredibly frowned upon in our uppity western society. As the profound revolutionary I am, I think it’s about time we embrace this trait of ours that we all share; why should we stamp out a behavior that can unite us? We are all human and we are also all disgusting lazy husks of garbage. Some more than others, sure. But from one husk of garbage to another, I am here to tell you IT’S OK.
Being lazy is completely okay sometimes. Stay in bed all day! Watch Netflix (using your sister’s account) and Hulu Plus (using your friend’s account) and HBO GO (using your friend’s boyfriend’s parent’s account). Live in the clothes you woke up in and will eventually sleep in again. Just do you, boo.
Within the confines of your room/shell/cave, you are safe to be as lazy as you fucking want. If you decide to venture out into the world, however, you may need a guise to protect yourself from the irritatingly judgmental stares of yacht club members and parents who send their kids to private school. So I’m going to share with you a secret I have used for years in order to hide my true, lazy nature in plain sight of my friends who run every morning at 5 AM, or want to build their own furniture, or think spin class is fun, or can do pull ups. Fuck.those.peppy.bitches. This one’s for my lazy crew:
WORKOUT CLOTHES. Wear workout clothes and no one will say shit to you. Oh, you want to lie down (~pun intended~) in the middle of this public park after eating brunch instead of going for a hike? SURE THING, because you look like you already went to the gym and crushed it. You deserve a break because you are now an active member of society.
Hold up, you’re out grocery shopping looking like THAT? Well, you just worked out so you’re officially better than everyone else in this goddamn grocery store, including the old lady collecting charity donations out front. OWN IT.
Your friend is coming over trying to convince you to go out? Put on some work out clothes so when you answer the door, your friend feels bad as shit for not believing you when you said you were “tired.” They might even congratulate you for working out, which will feel great even if you haven’t. Trust me.
Try it out. Join me in my attempt to slowly transform every person you see in public wearing workout clothes to just a lazy person tricking everyone. Let’s create a brave new world together, and then maybe, one day, we can both be out wearing workout clothes that we haven’t worked out in and our eyes will meet and make slow-motion eye contact that freezes time and space but simultaneously warms my ice cold heart. Someday.