Twelve years ago, Kate Hudson attempted to give us the basic framework for “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” Sadly, I think it’s safe to say we didn’t learn much from that movie, except for how ridiculously beautiful Matthew McConaughey is, and to never buy a plant for your significant other and name it a “love fern.” Hey, we aren’t botanists and we can all barely keep ourselves alive, let alone a plant.
What we all missed, including myself, when we got lost in McConaughey’s “bullshit” is that we all make mistakes. We all do the same things that we think are cute, but in reality are scary and by no means the perfect combination. In result, we cause the men in our lives to flee rapidly and never look back.
In our defense, what are us girls supposed to do nowadays? How is one supposed to become “in a relationship” on Facebook when there’s no revised “Dating for Dummies in the Information Age”?!?! Can we ask Siri what “TMI” is? Is there REALLY a way to win at Tinder?
Fear not, this is not one big unsolved mystery. I’m here to help, and I am going to provide you with “How To Lose a Guy in 3 (again, thank technology for this sharp reduction in time) Days or Less!”
For the privacy of all of the victims, no names have been disclosed.
1. Do Word Vomit.
If you want to squash your relationship faster than that mosquito that won’t stop biting your beautiful sweet skin, you must treat your beloved as if he were your very own Twitter account. Tell him everything. Don’t even limit yourself to 140 characters or less.
Oh, you had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a diet coke for lunch? GREAT, share. Oh, you had salad the next day? He hasn’t heard that one before! Oh, there’s an army wives marathon on Lifetime tonight? DING, DING, DING!
My point is, we all get excited over the idea of new love, you want them to like you and you want them part of your life ASAP, but if you want this guy to run faster than Lebron James when the AC went off during the Finals, aka “sick to his stomach” to the point where he needs to immediately evacuate, OVERTEXTING will do the trick for you.
2. Conduct an extensive and intrusive investigation.
Picture this, you guys just met, because, like, he let you cut in front of him at Starbucks or something. You think you’ve scored love with an extra shot of espresso. Now what?
I like to call it “creative investigating.” Creative investigating as in that thing everybody does but nobody ever talks about, kind of like obsessively watching Dating Naked. Okay fine, I won’t beat around the bush any longer, it’s Facebook stalking.
Go ahead, “accidentally” friend his ex, you need to know his social and personal history. How else will you know if he’s a murderer? Friend his mom, too. Moms love new Facebook friends.
On Tinder? Who’s that girl in his pic? Cousin? Girlfriend? All of the above?
On Instagram? Do have your cat/dog follow your new boy. Do comment on behalf of your pet. Ex: “If I could like and favorite a human, it would be YOU babe!”
Do take advantage of his unlimited phone calls and text messages. Somebody besides his mother has to. What’s 18 phone calls to a G like you?
My point is, why live your life like it’s a game of Clue and have to guess if it’s Professor Plum? Do your digital research.
Go HAM and who cares if your relationship culminates into the worst trip of disturbance and failure ever seen outside of a David Lynch film?
3. Do role play (but forget to tell him you’re role playing)
Wasn’t Helga G. Pataki from “Hey Arnold” the ultimate bad bitch? Not only for her remarkable unibrow, but Helga could also go from obsessing over gum and Arnold, to punching that poor heavy-breathing kid in a shorter amount of time than any commercial break Nickelodeon made us suffer through. Helga had so many mood swings that I think we all got whiplash.
Fact: We all have our own inner-Helgas. Cat ladies or not, we all have felines.
Ex: It’s okay to dump your guy while blackout, then not remember why or that you even did it the next day.
Ex: It’s okay to drink your beer too fast and vomit all over him, then immediately want to make out.
In theory, by being Helgas, it keeps guys on their toes and it keeps them guessing.
Go ahead, boldly tell your boy to keep his mitts off of the merchandise, but then ask him if you can see the size of his human centipede. Be Helga. Take on another role. Keep that element of surprise alive. What do you have to lose? Besides him, of course.
At the end of the day, I know and you know that men do not come in a one-size-fits-all. There is no consistency amongst them.
But there are ways to rope them in, and, unfortunately, ways to get them to exercise. And by exercise, I mean run fast-as-hell away from you. Listen to what I’m preaching to you, and avoid having your guy engage in that type of cardio. Maintain a conscious coupling.
Go out and make Kate Hudson proud with what you’ve learned, so that you can all keep possessory rights over your very own Matthew McConaughey. Alright, alright, alright?