Too often after a break up, we’re so relieved and so anxious to just move on that we don’t take the time to think about why it sucked ass. You know, besides the obvious: “She was a jealous psychopath who thought I was cheating on her with some persistent bitch named ‘Alarm’ who sent a text every morning at 6:30am,” or that: “He would always leave me voicemails saying ‘if you don’t call me back in 5 minutes it’s fucking over….haha just kidding, love you bae, take your time. But seriously call me back, I’ll kill you, haha.’” Or maybe, for less overwhelmingly apparent reasons like: “Her vagina started to smell like a congested Jewish summer camp” or: “The veins in his penis spelled out my Dad’s initials so mentally I couldn’t commit.” These are all real life, acceptable reasons why a relationship must be abandoned. Don’t fight it, don’t try to be a hero, don’t blow your Dad.
But what about the relationship that doesn’t have a seemingly dramatic reason for it’s failure? What about the one that “just didn’t feel right?”
It’s true; you’re not always going to feel that intense lust for your boyfriend or girlfriend that you once did in the beginning. It’s impossible. You’ve seen this person fart, poop, eat ribs, drink a smoothie and plenty of other things that you wouldn’t think are repulsive until you actually watch them happen. Put on a romper, water a plant, make a U-turn, smell your bra before putting it on…whatever you’ll see.
The point is, it’s not always going to feel like you love that person. Sometimes what you felt in the beginning, when things were real cool, just goes away. It’s at that point that you need to make a choice. When that feeling isn’t there, you need to either choose to love or not. I’ve always wondered whether love was a feeling or a choice. I think it’s both. I know it’s both. It starts out as a feeling but then it becomes a choice that you have to make. Maybe every month, every week, shit, maybe every day, but if you don’t choose to love, nobody is going to be happy and, believe me, you’re not doing anybody any favors by sticking around.
It’s not always an easy choice to make. But it is easier if you can think back to how things used to be. If you can remember how good things felt when it all started, it might comfort you to know that you’re still capable of that cute ass shit. Sometimes that will be enough to keep you going for a while, sometimes it won’t be. If the story of your relationship began with you telling your dawg you want to bang that chick over there, and he goes and tells her, then he comes back to you and says “lol boi u ain’t gonna believe it but she wanna bang you back!” and you say “haha oh fuck, word?” and he is like “hah ye,” then maybe thinking back on your love story won’t be the most inspiring recollection you’ve ever had.
What I’m trying to say is that everything matters. The circumstances which you met, the type of person you were, the type of person you are – it’s all relevant, especially when a relationship starts to take a bad turn. You need to find good reasons to stay together and if you don’t really have any, especially when you’re in your 20’s, it’s pretty easy for you to choose not to love and bail.
You can try to just go through the motions, see how you feel day by day, but you’ll become totally selfish. You think you’re doing her a favor by staying together and “trying” to make it work, you’ll think you’re being a man, but really it has nothing to do with her. Eventually you’ll start to feel a little shitty about yourself and you’ll do romantic things to make yourself feel better. You see the trend? It’s all about you. You used to say things like: “I want to think about all the ways I love you and lose count in the middle just so I can start all over again.” And now the extent of your romance is getting a boner, lying on the bed and saying, “kk up up.” Then you’ll start to resent them. For what? You resent them because you can’t love them. You want to, but you can’t.
Have you ever heard the expression “you are what you repeatedly do?” Well, as much as it correlates to your professional life and your social life, it absolutely does with relationships as well. If you cheat, you’ll just become a cheater. If you’re an asshole, you become an asshole. If you’re angry all the time, you’ll just become an angry person. This transition is pretty inconspicuous, it literally just happens. And that scares the shit out of me and it should scare the shit out of you. You’re not doing anybody any favors. You’re just becoming a shithead and you don’t even realize it.
There is nothing wrong with being a selfish person. When you’re young you should be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. But you can’t do that when you’re in a relationship. It’s a sacrifice; it’s about being there for someone. It doesn’t work unless you can do those things. There are so many shitty relationships out there because people don’t really get what is required for one to work. It’s not simple and people often stay together way too long and really embarrass themselves. Stop doing that.
If you think about these things, it’s not that hard to let someone go. It can be relatively painless. Especially when it’s really what you need to do. Pat yourself on the back – you tried, and it’s ok. Be glad you ended things before you became someone you don’t want to be. Don’t be sad, there are so many incredible remedies out there to comfort you. White Castle will literally give you a suitcase, a fucking suitcase, of the most adorable hamburgers. And guess what, you hot sexy single son of a bitch you; you don’t have to share them with anybody! But do bring a friend, it is sooooo many burgers.