Going on a date these days, especially if it’s with someone more attractive than yourself (I’m still looking), can be expensive. No, it is expensive. You want to make a good first impression, and if you’re truly a stingy, cheap person deep down inside, you at least have this opportunity to show that you can muster up some strength to be a decent human being when someone you care about is involved.
Kids our age spend, or should I say waste, money because they are lazy. Whether it’s fat burners (which I recommend), steroids (which I recommend) or cheap food, we often look for the easy way out, which many times leads to short term happiness and eventually diarrhea. I suppose I’d choose short-term happiness with some imminent diarrhea 9 out of 10 times, so I don’t blame you, but at some point you’ll hold on to your pride and make a change.
That change is finally suggesting date night be held at your apartment. Now I know what you’re thinking — sure my girlfriend of 5 years will be down for an apartment date, she’ll eat that shit up. But if you think this girl I just matched with on Tinder whose last message to me was “let’s meet in Grand Central so I know you won’t rape me, lol” is all of a sudden down to meet at my apartment, you’re crazy. Well, you make a good point. But I’d counter with (1) can’t hurt to ask and (2) it’s not creepy if you’re not creepy, case and point – Matthew McConaughey.
The great thing about cooking at home for your girl is that there are really no expectations and the options are endless. You can make a fresh pizza from scratch or you can make some gourmet grilled cheese. There is no manlier feeling than bending over to check the oven and saying “Hey babe, would you mind tossing the salad?”
If you’re worried about your roommates being inappropriate, delegate them a task like being a waiter or a hostess. That way all their idiosyncrasies, at the least, just become a source of entertainment. I know a lot of you guys like step by step guides to limit the room for error, so let me tell you exactly how it SHOULD go.
You’ll likely mess this up and ruin everything, but a boy can dream. I’m going to do this quickly so hold on.
Step 1: The Meal
You’re making grilled cheese, alright. Before you roll your eyes just hear me out – rye bread, fresh mozzarella, pesto (dude, just buy a can it’s called pesto, very easy), tomato, prosciutto, heat pan to a medium heat, little olive oil, butter one side of bread, make sandwich. Jesus dude, cheese FIRST, then prosciutto, then tomato, then pesto, omg slice the tomato, ok, put it on the pan, brown each side of the toast (if you use pumpernickel toast she won’t be able to tell if you burned it or not, lol gotchu) it’ll take maybe 3 min on each side. Nice work, you’re a chef. You’ve become tremendously more attractive. She’s moist.
Step 2: Five songs and five songs only.
1. I’m Going Down – Mary J. Blige (start the night making it clear you’re a different type of guy)
2. Case of the Ex – Mya (it is extremely contradicting, but could stir up some interesting conversation)
3. Me, Myself and I – Beyonce (recognize that your woman is smart, kind and important)
4. I Wanna Know – Joe (she’s probably not real enough to appreciate this, so let her know that when it comes on)
5. Butterfly – Crazy Town (knock everything off the table – if she is about it, go with it, if not, apologize, pick everything up and continue eating.)
*Drink the wine as quickly as possible and put on “Picture” by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock. If she starts duetting with you, marry her immediately. Just stick her ring finger through a clump of fresh mozzarella and tell her it’s only temporary until you finish school.
** DO NOT FOR WHATEVER REASON PLAY “SUPERMAN” by FIVE FOR FIGHTING. That song is associated with every girl’s worst memories. PLEASE TRUST ME.
Last Tip: Don’t be cheap with the wine.
And by that I mean buy a lot of cheap wine. It makes the food taste better and makes everyone act silly. Just remember that Riesling is pronounced “Reece-ling” and you’re already starting to look like Richard Gere. He might be bisexual: another topic of conversation. Also, just stick to wine. If she walks in and you’re holding a bottle of Hennessy with a smirk on your face, you’re really not sending the safest message.
And for you “cute but psycho but cute girls” who are like, “OH NO, NOOO, I would never be okay with a man making me a grilled cheese on a date,” you need to know that all we see on your damn Facebook and Instagram are pictures of pizza, hot dogs and alcoholic drinks with sticks of bacon in them. So stop that bullshit because Daddy (I’m Daddy) is just giving you what you asked for.
And to my boys, just relax, and as I once read in a men’s magazine, “be the man your dog thinks you are.” If you think about it long enough, it becomes helpful.
Shoutout to the 12 heartbreakers on Tinder last night who told me I “look too short” or “wait, u get ur eyebrows done?” or “k but you have to follow me on Instagram first.” This olive oil was way too good for ya’ll anyways.