Let’s be real. If you’re a 20something in a relationship, you probably have no idea what you’re doing. You’re learning how to make things work every single day just like the rest of us. You’re doing your best to try to figure out if hating someone for 11 consecutive days is normal while hoping your man doesn’t start to realize that the reason it’s taking so long to capture a good picture of you lying on the edge of the rooftop pool in Mykonos is because you’re actually contemplating whether or not you should just roll off and kill yourself.
Ruts are a reality. Sometimes they’re tough to get out of. Just because she watches the food network all day, doesn’t mean she can cook. And just because he watches the porn all day, doesn’t mean he can…well, you’re with me right? But a rut doesn’t mean it’s over. There’s hope. And while a trip to Mykonos can be expensive, there are solutions that won’t cost either of you anything.
(God, I love that I know where this is going and you guys don’t, tehehehe)
Ladies and gentleman, I’m talking about eatin’ the booty.
I know, I know, I know. But before you get all sour and pass judgements, allow me to justify. Put yourself in your man’s shoes for a minute. It’s hard out there for him, alright?! As a man, or any romantically competitive human being for that matter, you have to find ways to distinguish yourself from all the other talent out there.
Now, what are some of those ways we often separate ourselves from the rest of the pack?
Nice apartment? Sure man! That works!
Black Card? Good for you, absolutely!
Expensive car? Atta boy!
Huge dong? More power to you brother, go get em!
Well, I live in a nice apartment, but it’s my grandmother’s. I have a black card, but it’s a Discover Card, that just happens to be black. Expensive car? I drive a Prius. And as for the huge dong, I don’t know, it’s fine, no complaints (from me) – it can handle basically any size person at pretty much any angle except for the tricky ones, but I’m certainly not out here sending anyone home with indigestion.
So, if you’re not rich or don’t have a huge dong, how can you make yourself memorable? What’s going to keep mami coming back? Sometimes just putting on a fedora and “Signs of Love Making” by Tyrese and slowly scratching your fingers against the wall isn’t the lasting memory you want to provide your girl.
So let’s try to be adults here.
If you’re not eating the booty, you’re wrong and there are two fundamental reasons why.
First, at its core, eating the booty is a great way to show your girl how much you care about her and how little you care about yourself — not to mention, one of the cheapest. If the girl isn’t willing to appreciate that you just chose her booty over the oxygen you need to breathe, you need a new girl.
Second, it’s fun for you and it’s fun for her. Quite simply, the sinfulness of engaging in such a dark sexual act will be enough to get your blood flowing, because deep down inside, you know you a nasty muhfucka. And naturally, when your girl realizes that you’re actually enjoying this as much, if not more, than she is, she’ll realize that this boy ain’t playing no god damn games.
Whether you’ve never done this before, are just looking to up your game, or would prefer that the next time your man engages in the dark arts that only one of you needs to suffer, I’ve broken it down into an easy how-to. (Please message me privately for a printer friendly version)
Step 1: Choose your lucky lady
Let me make myself clear: fanny feasting isn’t something I recommend doing with someone you randomly picked up from the bar. This isn’t something you do with someone you just watched crush a gyro pita from the halal cart. Try to choose someone you’d like to stick around for a while, especially if it’s your first time. It’s going to take a lot out of you. But always remember, nothing you do with a woman is gay. Unless of course there is another man involved. And even then, you’re granted a lot of flexibility. But we’ll save that for another article.
Step 2: Clean her bum bum
Well, you don’t have to clean her butt for her. That would be pretty humiliating. But do make sure it’s clean. No, you don’t have to stick a finger in first and pull it out like the tooth pick you stick in a cake to see if it’s fully cooked. But a shower goes a long way.
Step 3: Go down on her first
This is a given, and should pretty much be the first step in anything you do with your girl. Whether you’re heading to the cinema, going ice skating, grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s, or catching a Yankee game.
Nothing new here, fellas. Get to work.
Step 4: Play with those butt cheeks
Mhmm oh yessa! If you’re an ass man I don’t have to explain this to you. But for the rest of you, you have to, have to, have to, pre-heat that oven. Jiggle em! Kiss em! Spank em! Just act like dumb ass Lennie from Of Mice and Men and be all intrigued like you ain’t never seen a booty before. I swear she will think it is so cute.
Step 5: Take a peek – make your decision
Get a good look at your new Airbnb for the next several minutes (or hours) and make sure you can be committed to taking good care of the place. You don’t want make a mess and end up going home without your security deposit.
Step 6: Get lost in it, make love to it
The booty is one of the most concentrated nerve endings in a woman’s body. There really isn’t much you can do wrong while you’re exploring. But keep in mind, you’re not playing darts. This isn’t about penetration. I mean you can if you want, but that’s kinda gross dude, lol. Nobody needs that. Just circular motions with the tip of your tongue. Listen to your partner’s verbal cues. She might be a little confused at first, but just trust that no matter what she’s saying, she’s saying it with a smile. Cause deep down, she know she kinda nasty too.
Step 7: Don’t forget to breathe
Bro, you have to breathe. You don’t want to suffocate yourself or suffocate the booty. If every 15 seconds you come up gasping for air like you just swam the 100m butterfly, she might get a little self-conscious about the quality of your experience down there. While eatin’ the booty is primarily for the benefit of your partner, you’re no good to her dead.
Step 8: Drown yourself in your own pride
Have a cigarette and brush your teeth you lil sly devil you. You a bad man, mhmmmmm, yes you are. Rawr.
At the end of the day, matter fact, at the beginning of the day, a lot of girls have never experienced this before and are likely very curious. There really aren’t that many things to do with girls these days that they haven’t already done.
Said best, the booty is just another body part that unfortunately has to deal with a messy part of life occasionally, but the rest of the time it’s available for parties and equipped to contribute generously.
You ladies should be demanding more from your man. Make him work. You’ve earned it.
And for my dawgs…go get em cowboy.
Join us next time, as we cover the eight steps to working food into the bedroom. You’ll be surprised what you can do with pastrami.