How To Get Laid Using Tinder

Jay Cross
“Far worse looking people have done it. So why can’t I?” Jake is a 22-year-old delicious man candy originally from New York and currently living in Miami Beach attending law school. He graduated from the University of Florida in 2014 and used his degree to invest in a Toyota Prius. More information about his Prius can be found on his Instagram handle: “hotguyinaprius”. He drives an Uber part time because lawyers only get paid in movies. Jake doesn’t drink often, but when he does, he prefers it be consecutively for a potentially infinite duration. Jake often drinks.

There is no question that social media and the increasing popularity of dating apps have completely changed the structure of modern romance. Sure, it’s somewhat of a sad story, but I’m not going to frighten you with assaulting language or some charts and graphs illustrating to you that the concept of trying to find love using roughly three generic filters is unlikely to lead you to romantic fulfillment and mentally stable offspring.

Nobody wants to hear about that. Well, at least not yet. So let’s just focus on improving our success in meeting hot people, since there is nothing anyone could say to get you to delete your Tinder app, except for maybe: “Because I’m your girlfriend and you’re an idiot, like are you stupid? Delete it. Stupid.”

Anyways, you’ve probably heard stories of couples meeting on Tinder, or your best friends going on multiple dates and having multiple sex, and you can’t help but wonder how they do it. The furthest you’ve gotten with a match is their Snapchat, a communication which ended immediately because the first picture you sent was a selfie captioned: “wher ma titty at giiirl?” Be better man, be better.

Tinder really works, but the first thing you need to do is remember that even if you’re weird, she doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know you at all. You can be whomever you want! So if you’re terrible, just don’t be yourself. Be literally anyone else. And stop making your Friday and Saturday nights look like this:


You log on to Tinder and scout the talent.

Annabeth, 20, 1246 miles away. Her bio reads: “Sometimes you gotta crack a bunch of eggs to make an omelet. Haha, feel me? “

(You think to yourself, “Well that’s disgusting, I’d like to know more.”)

You: It’s nice to match you 🙂

Annabeth from Hoboken: Lol u too

You: How confused were you during your first HJ and what’s your favorite George Clooney movie?

Annabeth from Hoboken: Don’t rly remember it, but I’m sure I was pretty confident….

You: Interesting.

Annabeth from Hoboken: And probably the Descendants.

You: lol, slut. Knew it.


Alice, 25, 6 miles away. Her bio reads:

5’7, bisexual. The Asian for any occasion ;). Lol, that moment you accidently swipe left and think omg now I’m never going to get married! Working at Walgreens. Lover of animals and career oriented. Not down for a one-night stand, don’t be creepy. (Disclaimer: Actually 18)

Snapchat: Cockasian

Kik: BisexualAlice

** 12:13am **

Bisexual Alice: Heyy

You: Caught me at a bad time, sup?

Bisexual Alice: lol umm, is everything okay?

You: Not really, about to have a complete internal evacuation on the toilet right now, my body sounds like an old, creaking door in a haunted castle. Something very awful is about to happen.

** 12:29am **

You: All the lights are flickering in here…OMG…

** 1:52am **

You: Do you think you could ever love me as much as my mom loves my dad?

Bisexual Alice: Are you serious?


It’s funny, but you will never get laid. So here are a few Tinder tips that may actually do the trick:

  1. Your ultimate goal is to get her number.

You want to communicate on Tinder for as little time as possible. While you probably don’t mind, most decent girls really don’t like messaging on it, besides the fact that it depletes battery, it also destroys her pride. Spit your G, trust your perfect pictures and clever bio, and get her number. GET OFF TINDER.

  1. Remember that if she’s hot, she’s going to match with every guy she swipes right on.

If she’s online talking to you, she’s probably getting messages from, like, 15 dudes. Do some small talk and, if you get impatient, just give her your number instead of saying something like “so we doin dis sheit or what?” or “is there anything I should know before we do this?” She may or may not text you, but she probably will. Just remember there is still a 75% chance that this person is really a 40-year-old man who wants to take a bubble bath with you and harvest your cute little toes.

  1. If she hates you, try downloading Hinge, Bumble or JSwipe, because odds are she’ll also be on one of those.

And when you match her again, send her a quick message saying “lol, I fooouuuund youuuu.”



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