My boys are going to give me a lot of shit for this. But as I so often do, I’ll justify it by telling them that I have a very strict monthly article quota I have to meet.
But between you and I, I don’t. I just do this because…..well, because.
Whatever, let’s get to it. This story begins much like all stories begin: At the gym, sitting on the leg extension machine with dreams to manufacture enormous quads to impress hot chicks.
In walks this delicious little empanada. Lululemon-ed out AF, obviously. We make eye contact, but I hold it for a few seconds, just to let her know that papà es peligroso. Drawn to me, naturally she approaches. As I continue to deliberately stare her down, my body begins to prepare itself for what it believes to be the only reasonable consequence of this encounter: Immediate, formidable sex on the rock climbing wall.
I smile in her direction but she doesn’t return the gesture, and at this point I’m fairly certain all she’s going to say to me is, “Hey, would you mind not murdering me while I work out?” But as soon as she got within a few feet of me to where I could really see her face, I shit you not, my first thought was:
“Wooowww. This bitch got nice ass eyebrows.”
The only problem was, my brain also decided to say it.
She told me she wasn’t expecting me to say that and I said, “lol same.” She asked me if I was done with the machine and while I didn’t get to bam-bam in the ham, or open the gates of Mordor if you will, it was a pleasant rendezvous nonetheless.
What could have been an incredibly awkward and emasculating encounter turned out to just be kind of funny. I wasn’t ashamed at all. I mean if you saw her, and I had also maybe directed your attention to her eyebrows you’d have probably agreed that, ya, she had nice ass eyebrows. It was genuine.
But let’s be real. Most straight guys, had they witnessed that, would probably say that the entire situation was pretty “gay.” And it’d be tough to argue with that, I guess. But why? Is masculinity in 2017 still that fragile? Are we all still so concerned with maintaining this macho image that if impaired ever so slightly, it automatically renders you a p*ssy by default?
Let me ask you this: Is putting an ice pack on my face in the morning while doing some crunches “feminine?” What about using a deep pore cleanser lotion, followed by a water activated gel cleanser and then a honey almond body scrub? What about herb-mint facial mask that I also leave on for 10 minutes? Is that “feminine?”
I literally just described Patrick Bateman’s morning routine, jack ass.
So, are you telling me I can do those things, but I also have to murder people? Nope, not doing it. Not murdering anyone.
There are definitely a lot of things considered “feminine” that I happen to think are freaking sweet. And while I’m personally not into wearing dresses and pushing obvious boundaries, there is a bunch of shit that should not be exclusively reserved for chicks. At least in most of our minds.
1. Sometimes I Love me the shit out of some candles.
You honestly can’t deny that the aromas, be it ethereal or piquant create an ambiance that exudes elegance. Not to mention, when orchestrated properly can flat out bring a room together.
“Feminine?” Grow up. After a long day, a bit of escapism goes a long way.
2. Sometimes I like to have make-outey sex
It’s very beautiful and great and if your breath is nice I’m gonna suck you’re freaking face until you hate me.
3. On occasion I’ll pop my hip in front of a full-length mirror.
Finding yourself in front of a full-length mirror is a rare opportunity. You just don’t see them anymore.
So how ‘bout you pop that hip.
Go ahead. Give it a pop.
Pop it, bro.
4. Baths are fucking tight
Now, now. I’m with you. It’s not the most efficient method to clean yourself since you’re essentially sitting in your own juices but let me be frank; bubbles, Epsom salts and the melodious tunes of Norah Jones just simply DO NOT deliver quite as powerfully in the conventional shower.
I mean, let’s just be honest with ourselves and address the elephant in the room. It’s just not comparable lol.
5. Sometimes I like to be the little spoon.
Ever wanted to fall asleep with an awesome jet pack on your back?
How about a jet pack with nice soft breasteses?
Ya. You’re welcome. Grab the edge of the bed and prepare for a dreamy liftoff.
6. Early 2000s Taye Diggs is a straight up chocolate daddy.
Should have been #1 but I didn’t want everyone to stop reading.
It’s okay to recognize that another guy is good looking. Maybe chocolate daddy is pushing it. It’s the first time I’ve ever said it so I’m not sure.
7. Sometimes I want to round up the fellas and go for high tea.
It’s classy AF and I bet there would be very interesting pastries and scones.
8. I like saying that cute things are cute
Is that so wrong of me? How else am I supposed to describe three disoriented baby otters outrageously flopping around in a bathtub?
Hmmm…is “cute” the word you were looking for?
9. Sometimes I like to text her stupid but cute stuff
10. Sometimes I listen to not rap music at the gym
One time my headphones got caught on a dumbbell and “Time Warp” from Rocky Horror Picture Show entered the ears of several nearby patrons.
It works. My biceps are big. And I’m not going to stop. As a matter of fact…
11. I very much enjoy moisturizing
Think about the sound and face you make when you orgasm. That’s what I do when I apply a hand moisturizer.
12. Sometimes I like to use fragrance soaps
Maybe on Monday I want to smell faintly of pomegranate. Maybe on Wednesday I want to smell like smoked eucalyptus. Maybe Friday I want to mix a few together and smell like a delicious salad.
Go ahead. It’s okay to swipe right.
13. Fruit flavored chapstick is just fine with me
Sir, can I ask you something? Do you like fruit? Does strawberry taste good to you? Do you want to taste it all day?
14. Sometimes I just don’t want to have sex right now
Can you all just relax for a minute. We just crushed like 47 dumplings and we’re 5 minutes into “Law & Order.”
Please don’t touch me. Please.
It’s about damn time we understand that we are all just individuals who can do whatever the fuck we want. It’s okay to address your “feminine side.” Don’t be scared, dawg. You don’t need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You should want to be a little different. You can be intelligent without being pretentious. You can carry a quiet confidence.
Be whatever kind of person you want to be. So long as you own it and it’s genuine and the vibes are good people will like you. It’ll be fine.
Or it will be a complete disaster, I’m not totally sure.
But definitely let me know.