If you’re a decent human being, you’ve probably struck up a conversation with your Uber driver at least once. Whether you were complementing their unusually clean vehicle while thinking to yourself, “the only time a car should be this spotless is if someone was murdered in it yesterday,” or your phone happened to be dead and you didn’t want to seem like one of those skeptical assholes who just stares at the driver’s GPS making sure he doesn’t veer off the bright blue line on his navigation (probably en route to his Haitian acropolis where you’d be fed only easy mac and stale dildos by an old woman who looks like Sammy Sosa, wearing a t-shirt that says “My dick wants to buy you a beer” for the remainder of your life). (Just figured dildos go stale before easy mac does, where were we again?) Ahh that’s right, so you’ve engaged in conversation with your Uber driver, and more likely than not, he’ll be insistent on giving you his opinion about what it’s like to drive for Uber.
Perhaps he’d mention how he had switched from Yellow Cab just a month ago or that he’d encountered a great deal on a Hyundai and decided it was time for a career change. Whatever it may be, he most definitely proceeded to tell you how pissed he was that Uber takes 20% of the fare on each ride.
Between you and I, being a Yellow Cab driver requires an expensive license and you can’t take advantage of surge pricing like you can as an Uber driver. Surge pricing occurs when the demand for an Uber ride is high, therefore increasing the price of each Uber ride (that information alone is enough to get you a B on your microeconomics exam). So don’t feel so bad for Mr. Uber driver’s whining. Moving on…
His frustration of Uber’s 20% cut aside, he’ll likely conclude that it’s a pretty good job, he’s very busy and he’d be very grateful for a 5 star rating. He’ll say something like “Have a good day, 5 star” or “5 star enjoy your day 5 star” or maybe get silly and say “it’s a beautiful day to give 5 stars, 5 stars.” The point is most cab drivers are trained to hate the passenger just as much as they hate the world. But Uber drivers are kind of…happy? Why? Because it is so easy!
When I started law school in August, I knew I’d need some sort of income to at least pay for drinks, sushi and highlighters. I’ll be honest, I live with my grandma in South Beach and she is wonderful and does my laundry and rolls my socks so they stay together and cooks animals for me and gets me gas cards at Publix because $40 for a $50 gas card is practically a steal. In fact, every time she does this I like to yell “somebody call the police because this crazy old lady is stealing!” So funny, she loves it. Anyway, I tried to get a bartending job because that’s what I did in undergrad and it pays well and you drink for free and you basically just put blue syrup in every drink and babes think you have this prodigious, just unnaturally large cock when its really just 4 or 5 inches, but you’ll make good money at the end of the night.
Unfortunately as a law student it’s tough to commit to 2 or 3 days a week because you have a lot of painful reading to do and it’s unpredictable just how long it’s going to take. So you ask yourself, besides prostitution, what type of job can I have where I can begin work whenever I want, stop work whenever I want, help people that are in need and listen to the music of my choice literally the entire time? Hello Uber, you’re super cute 🙂 For months, I browsed through Craigslist searching for part time catering jobs, each time scrolling passed the 19 ads in a row that read “Make $1000 a week as an Uber driver.” It wasn’t until 6 months later, in February, that I finally clicked on it and followed the very simple directions. Let me lay it out for you, just what I had to go through to become an Uber driver.
- Create an account on get.uber.drive.com
- Provide VERY basic information: License ID #, Proof of vehicle insurance & registration
- SSN: So they can do a background check
- Wait literally 5 days, (so long as you haven’t murdered anyone) congratulations, you’re an Uber driver.
I swear. It is that easy.
All you need to do is give one ride a month to keep your account active. Now lets talk briefly about the actual driving. As I mentioned, I live in South Beach, which is great for a lot of different reasons including Tinder & Jswipe & Bumble & Hinge..ok I’ll stop. But with respect to Uber, I’m surrounded by hotels, which means the volume of requests on any day of the week is tremendous. When I turn my driver app on, within a minute at the most I’ll have a rider request. Without getting into all the details, I drive for 2 1/2 hours and make $80, which is deposited directly into my bank account without me having to do shit. With the 20% Uber takes, you’re making around $25 an hour.
As a student, driving Uber part time, that’s fine. That’s actually great. So do it. It’s really easy, everybody likes you. Sometimes, you know, if it’s really late, some kid who is from Georgia and works for Disney and has never been to Miami and is just looking to have a good time since he is leaving tomorrow may ask you if he can show you his penis, in which case you’ll respond with “No, I have a girlfriend” in which case he’ll respond with “lol, me too” and do some weird like, noise which I guess is like a code for “We’re on the same page, it’s okay” and you’ll be like “Dude no, but here is my snapchat if you want” and you’ll give him one of your boys’ snapchat names instead and let that weirdo send his cock to your buddy, Chad. And when you get a text from Chad in your group chat saying, “I just received a picture of a hairy ass dick from the username fuzzlightyear412, does anyone know who the fuck that is?” and you’ll say “lol nah, that’s weird,” that’s when you’ll realize being an Uber driver is totally worth it.