Dating apps are weird. Don’t look at me like that — you know it’s true. It’s like “Hey, let’s meet random strangers on the Internet and talk about where we’re from until we desperately resort to bringing up our mutual friends.” If I wanted to have that conversation 500 times a day, I would just sit in the lobby of my Murray Hill apartment.
And yet, here we are. It’s 2017, and dating apps are becoming the new way to meet people because who actually wants to put on pants and leave their apartment and meet someone in person anymore?! My guess is the Amish.
We’ve even gotten to the point that no matter what you do on dating apps, it’s wrong.
Not on them? That’s weird.
Use them? Also weird.
Post pictures of yourself holding up a fish? The weirdest.
Hint: this is why you’re only matching with girls who have horses in their pics.
So gentlemen, I’m doing do you all a favor and break down the most ridiculous of all things that you do on *insert dating app here* in hopes that you’ll fix them and maybe get some matches you’re actually interested in next time. Aren’t I nice?!?!”
Seriously though, what the hell is with the fish?! Like, unless you’re about to make me a spicy tuna roll (which you should) there is literally no reason why you need to be holding up marine life in one of your pictures.
Oh, do you work out? I have news for you – so does pretty much everyone else who likes to eat pizza but also wants to look good naked. It just looks like you’re trying to overcompensate for something…
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good emoji. Throw in a little emoji and it makes me look slightly less bitchy than I actually am. But excessive emojis in your bio just make you look like a tool. I was expecting to hate you eventually, just not this soon. Sorry, someone’s gotta say it.
I don’t care how good the lighting is, there is literally no reason why you have to take a picture of yourself while driving. We get it, you have a license, do you want a cookie? It’s just making me nervous that you think a picture of yourself is more important than the safety of everyone else on the road. Seriously not cool.
“Looking for friendship and cool people.”
You could try Sears… actually, second thought, don’t try Sears.
“Fluent in sarcasm.”
Oh my god could you BE any more original?! Also, if you were actually sarcastic, you wouldn’t go out of your way to point it out. You would, just, you know, actually *be* sarcastic. I die a little more inside every time someone says this.
“Just want to make Bubbe happy.”
Ugh. Don’t we all????
A Group Picture
I’m too lazy to cook myself dinner most nights, what makes you think that I, or really any girl for that matter, would spend my precious time trying to figure out which person you are in a group picture? I’ll guess you’re the guy on the end flexing as hard as he can.
PS: college is over, you’re not in a frat anymore.
Cute Dog Pictures
If you have a cute, fluffy dog in your picture, there is a 97.4% chance that a girl will swipe right on it. There’s also a solid chance that that is the sole reason that she swiped right on the first place. Make good choices. Just know, you can’t rely on that delicious animal forever, at some point you’re going to have to show me some personality.
I digress — this isn’t about your bio per se, but it’s something that needs to be addressed. Some girls will just match with guys because they think they’re decently cute, but aren’t really interested in getting to know them. Sorry, hate to burst your bubble here, that’s just how it is. Is it bad? Maybe a little bit. But don’t make it worse. If a girl doesn’t respond to your message, it’s not the move to be like “Oh, so I guess you don’t like guys who are (*insert cocky list of adjectives here*).” If she wasn’t interested in getting to know you before, she sure as hell isn’t now. Mazel tov on shooting yourself in the foot there, kiddo.
Message about Work
Some guy once messaged me and asked if I could introduce him to the CEO of the company I work for. Another asked me if I could get him an internship. How romantic!!!!
The answer is still no, by the way
Opening with “hey what’s up”
I TOTALLY get that you don’t want to come up with a corny pickup line. I don’t want you to come up with a corny pickup line. But like, make me laugh. Don’t be boring; this line probably has like a 2% success rate and only works if you are an 11/10.
The truth hurts, I know. But you’ll thank me one day for this, boys.