Girls, have you ever thought you were “swiping right” into the aisle? This guy is at least an eight-or-above, does not have “D.J.” listed as an occupation on his LinkedIn, and upon meeting him, you feel exactly like Snapchat’s annoying new feature — like you are literally vomiting rainbows because it’s all so freaking perfect.
Whatever, you get me. Everything is like bread in the hands of butter. Then, next thing you know, you are a modern day Cinder-no-fella because Prince Charming has decided to mysteriously cut all ties with you. No texts, no snapchats, no facebook messages, no e-mails, and the white flag of them all, no g-chats. Now you find yourself, awkward as f, sitting there with nowhere to go but your bedroom with your cat. That’s just metaphorically depressing in itself.
Fear not, you are not alone. This public issue affecting millions of girls from all over is called “Ghosting.” Ghosting, the non-culturally offensive term for peaceing out of a good hookup/relationship without saying goodbye, or really saying anything at all. Because this occurrence has plagued so many of my sisterfriends, I have coined it the “Face-On-The-Milk-Carton Relationship.” We all thought it was badass when Charlize Theron did it, but then it happened to us and now justice must be served.
You can look and try to find your Waldo, but he sure as hell isn’t a new iMessage in your inbox. To fight this epidemic, I am going to provide you with a step-by-step on how to terminate that Casper from your life while still maintaining your self-esteem and dignity.
1. Time for Your Last Words
Look, I know and you know that you are just a chill ass girl trying to find love in a hopeless place, but when dealing with a Casper, the three-day rule MUST be expanded. If by the seventh day you haven’t received a single emoji, or even the generic “Hey,” it’s time to bid adieu.
Now, you want to go out with a bang. Literally. So, with this text, don’t speak with your heart, but rather with your “black satin panties.” You want to end this in the most generous way possible. Keep it sweet and to the point.
Example(s): “Look I know I have seen your belly button (lolz), but are you innie or outtie for later?”
“I know we’re American, but tonight we French. Hehe or should I say we we!?”
2. The Virtual Compost
Before you start sweating like Captain Hook trying to use chopsticks, if, by 9 p.m., Casper has not even sent you even smoke signals, it is time to initiate “The Virtual Compost.”
It is time to begin digging your escape route by first taking a screenshot of your blank iMessage. Let’s face it, a text does not really exist unless it becomes public record to all of your girlfriends. You must, and I repeat, MUST, give this mute excuse of a chromosomal counterpart a proper roasting.
After you all get a good laugh, and somehow always reference Carrie Bradshaw getting dumped by a post-it note, it is time for you to yell (really yell, it helps) “DUTY CALLS!” and never look back. Immediately delete his text message. By deleting this text message, you have recycled your inbox (aka composted your inbox) for new and clearly more illustrative sexts to arrive.
3. Rent-a-Boyfriend Maneuver
So, Casper appeared to like it, but didn’t put a ring on it so what does that mean? Insta-revenge. Once you have enjoyed enough time with your two best guy friends, Ben & Jerry, it is time to do your best Kanye West workouts and give your Insta-filters something to work with.
Splurge on a new crop top and head to your favorite vodka-ing hole. There, find a guy much hotter than your Casper, and tell him that you have a creepy guy stalking you at the bar and you need him to be your pretend boyfriend for a second. All guys love to release their inner Clark Kent. I call this the “Rent-a-Boyfriend Maneuver.” All the perks and possible new “likes” of a dudefriend, and without all of the hassle. It’s like social role playing.
Grab your rental and get your wingchick to take a pic of you and let your inner goddess go free on Insta. Casper will never know that he’s a knockoff. #HeShouldHaveListenedtoBeyonce. #HeShouldNeverGettoThinkingHe’sIrreplaceable.
If any of your rentals question this maneuver, immediately explain it’s past your bedtime and run far, far away. They don’t know your life, and they certainly do not need to know that you are really a Cinder-no-fella.
Feel free to mix it up with a whole different slew of hotties. You will create mystery, but not drama.
All in all, believe me, fellow galfriends, if a guy ghosts you, follow these steps. This is it after all. This is war. This is the time to do you and charge it all to the game.