Ask me what I’m wearing. Do it. I know you’re curious now. I’m an almost cute girl who lives alone and I can be wearing, more importantly not wearing, ANYTHING. Insert winkyface here. A winkyface changes everything, ;).
But alright, you pervs, I’ll put your one-track minds at ease and I’ll describe exactly what I’m wearing right now. Ready? Grab a tissue; you’ll need it.
I’m sitting on my couch. I woke up 20 minutes ago and my face can prove it. Without any make-up, I kind of look like Mowgli going through his awkward phase. My hair is tied in a low ponytail with a scrunchie. A SCRUNCHIE. I am the epitome of high fashion. I’m wearing a giant pullover sweater with flattering grey and white horizontal stripes. I look like a billboard sign warning kids to stay out of prison. The Hamburglar sweater sexily covers my butt, exposing my stubbly legs in all their glory. BECAUSE I CAN. Now fold that tissue and save it for Tumblr.
I absolutely love living alone. It’s the best. I have an adorable studio apartment in Los Angeles and it makes me feel f*cking cool. But I’ve noticed a few downsides to the bliss of my 20something freedom, so without further ado, here are the pros and cons of living all by your lonesome:
Pro: You can obviously wear whatever the f*ck you want. Grandpa sweater, granny panties, birthday suit… you can wear it (or not wear it) all.
Con: Every time you look into one of your mirrors you silently weep at the constant reminder of why you are single.
Pro: You can fart ALL THE TIME, ANYWHERE.
Con: Your place will smell like a collection of old farts and no one will visit you.
Pro: No one will nag you to clean. Clean the toilet? Take out the trash? Wipe the counters? Fuck that shit; you can’t make me.
Con: No one will clean your toilet. Unless you want to suffocate in your own filth, stop being a little bitch and clean up one and a while. A sticky countertop is a gross countertop.
Pro: Everyday can be a dance party. So turn up your music and dance like no one’s watching, because no one is watching.
Con: You won’t have any friends in your neighborhood because all your neighbors will hate you almost as much as they hate your taste in music.
Pro: You can be clumsy and embarrassing and no one will be around to laugh at you!
Con: You can be clumsy and slip on your bathroom floor and almost die because you barely missed smashing your skull into your bathtub. Based on a true story.
Pro: You can talk aloud to yourself without fearing that everyone thinks you’re crazy. I talk to myself all the time and I have no shame about it. It’s comforting and cathartic. Also in 7th grade I read somewhere that geniuses talk to themselves, so therefore I am a genius.
Con: Your habits at home might bleed into your public life. Talking to yourself at work is the weirdest shit you can do. Trust me, it’s hard to come back from that. Once you’re weird, you’re always weird. OWN IT. Or just cry a little and tell yourself that you is kind, you is smart, you is important.
Pro: Never again will you need to wear earbuds in order to watch Netflix or YouTube, or porn, if you float that way. You can watch whatever you want without giving a fuck about being considerate to anyone else. Raise that volume like you raise your hands to praise me.
Con: Yeah, there’s no downside to this.
Pro: No more pants. Ever. The very first thing I do when I enter my apartment is take off my pants. It’s awesome.
Con: Again, there is no downside to this. Pants are stupid.
Pro: Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty you are free at last! You’re free from everyone, and I know you need your alone time. I love my alone time. And living on my own means alone time is ALL THE TIME.
Con: Alone time is all the time. Meaning you’re going to have to make an effort if you want to be social or still have friends. It’s not that hard; don’t be a baby. But more importantly, the most terrifying downside to living alone is the looming thought that you’re also going to die alone. Literally. So if you do smash your skull into the bathtub, chances are no one will find you until your decomposing body starts to stink up the place. You’re going to be remembered as the sad loner who died because you pathetically slipped and no one will remember anything else. Also, don’t get a cat. Did you know that the minute you die, your cat will start to feed on your remains? I don’t give a f*ck how much you think your cat loves you because your cat will also eat your face without a second thought. It’s a fact; look it up. They don’t even wait for your body to get cold! They prefer your flesh WARM. Dogs, on the other hand, will eat everything else in the apartment and only days later when they have absolutely no choice, they might feed on your cold corpse. So the next time you doze off and find your cat staring at you, it’s not gazing at you out of love. It wants you dead so it can finally eat your sorry cat-loving ass. You don’t want your corpse to be found rotting AND half-eaten. Rotting is already bad enough.
….. Well, this article got real morbid real fast. My apologies. Cats and dogs can be adorable BUT bunnies are the most adorable and they’re also vegetarians… so adopt a bunny?
And HERE you find out this entire article was actually just a very long advertisement trying to convince you to adopt bunnies.
Hah, just kidding. Let’s get back on track: I personally think the pros far outshine the cons when it comes to living alone. I love living on my own. So much. My studio is perfect for me and it makes me incredibly happy. Living alone is addictively liberating. The best. I recommend everyone try it at least for a little while at some point in your life. You’ll thank me. Now go do you, boo.