Everything You Need To Know From The News This Week

The news has a stereotype of bearing only bad news, and I’m afraid this week’s Jistt is just that — bad news. BUT, if you read until the end, a twinge of happiness will hit you, especially after watching an epic groomsmen dance.

 

An update on former president Jimmy Carter’s cancer 

  • Last week the 90-year-old former president announced he had cancer, but gave no details. On Thursday, Carter told us the prognosis.
  • At a press conference on Thursday, Carter said doctors found melanoma spots in his brain and liver.
  • 98 percent of melanoma cancer develops on the skin first, only 2 percent develops inside of the body.
  • “I just thought I had a few weeks left,” Carter said. “But I was surprisingly at ease. I’ve had a wonderful life … I’ve got thousands of friends.”
  • If all the good he did for America hasn’t won your heart over, Carter said marrying his wife Rosalynn was the best thing he ever did and he plans on spending majority of his time from now on with her (cue Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You”).

 

Pipe bomb explosion rocks Bangkok, Thailand 

  • On Monday, a pipe bomb exploded at the Erawan shrine in central Bangkok around 7 p.m.
  • The blast killed 20 and injured over 120 people.
  • Officials are still not sure if the attack was terrorist related or in protest of the political unrest currently happening in country – it’s the farmers v.s. the elites.
  • They have ruled out the possibility of being an international insurgent attack (aka Al Qaeda or ISIS related).
  • There are at least 10 suspects and two of them turned themselves in. After questioning, police said, “we have the wrong guys” and let them go. The culprits are still on the loose.

 

Oscar Pistorius MIGHT be released from jail four years early

  • Remember the South African paralympic athlete, also known as “Blade Runner,” who was convicted of “unintentionally” shooting his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, because he thought she was a burglar? He was sentenced to five years in prison, but was set to be released early from jail on Friday.
  • HOLD UP! Before you start yelling, South Africa’s justice minister blocked the release (phew).
  • Pistorius has only served 10 months of his jail time, only 1/5 of the length.
  • The justice minister said because of the high crime level against women and because August is “Women’s Month” in South Africa, releasing Pistorius now would be “insensitive.”
  • BUT there’s still a possibility he will be let go early. He might have to wait four months before he is considered for parole.

 

Lacking the drive, ladies? FDA approves female Viagra

  • Pink is the new blue when it comes to female sex drive.
  • The FDA said OK to the first female libido-enhancing drug for women called Addyi (nope, not the same thing as Adderall).
  • Addyi was submitted to the FDA several times before, but was never approved because of negative side effects. It’s also been criticized to have minimal benefits.
  • You also can’t take it when you’re out drinking those dirty martinis. Combining the drug with alcohol will cause hypotension, severely low blood pressure, and fainting.

 

People who don’t need a boost in their sex drive — Ashley Madison users 

  • Oh Ashley Madison, it’s a bitch to be a cheater rn. The dating website was hacked last month and the hackers released a massive load of information, from registered users to the CEO’s email.
  • What is Ashley Madison: the website allows unfaithful spouses to connect and continue cheating on their significant others with each other.
  • The hackers released millions of registered users’ emails after the creators did not follow their request to shut down the ‘matchmaker’ cheating program.
  • People registered on Ashley Madison are literally and figuratively screwed. These hackers set up a database where you can easily search up any email. People can also find out the name, age, sexual details and fantasies about the person.
  • Search away and dig up dirt on all your haters.

 

Now on to the drama in the celebasphere…

Jared Fogle, the [former] Subway guy, admits to child porno charges 

  • Jared the Subway guy won’t be eating any Subway sandwiches anytime soon. The former Subway spokesperson lost major weight and lost his freedom when he was arrested on child pornography charges and having sex with underage girls
  • Fogle reportedly paid for sex with underage girls in 2007. When he was working on the Jared Foundation, the organization he created to fight child obesity, he traded nude pictures and videos of children as young as 6 years old with his business partner.
  • Well, he’s finally telling the truth. On Wednesday, Fogle pled guilty to all charges and agreed to a plea deal.
  • He will serve at least five years in prison, pay $100,000 to each of the 14 victims to fund their counseling, treatment, and other assistance. He will also register as a sex offender.
  • His wife has filed for divorce (uhm about time?).

jared fogle animated GIF

 

Rosie O’Donnell missing daughter saga

  • Rosie O’Donnell tweeted on Tuesday that her daughter, Chelsea, had been missing for a week and was asking the public’s help to find her. Rosie was worried when she saw her daughter did not take any of her medicine for her mental illness.
  • A day later, police reportedly traced Chelsea’s phone to a house in Barneget Township, N.J.
  • How did she end up there: Allegedly Chelsea met the home owner, 25-year-old Steve Sheerer, on Tinder and decided to meet him there. Sheerer is a convicted heroin dealer.
  • Chelsea is back home safely.

 

Heidi Klum is a 9.99 but she still trumps Trump

  • Trump continued his female dissing rampage by telling the New York Times that he thought Heidi Klum is no longer a 10 with her looks.
  • Nope, unlike the Megyn Kelly incident, he actually meant what he said.
  • Heidi’s response? Well, you just have to see for yourself #shestillhasagoodrun #9.99

 

And for your entertainment…

Starbucks and Panera go head-to-head in PSL showdown

  • Pumpkin-spiced everything lovers, your fav season is just around the corner and get ready to expect more than ever.
  • Starbucks and Panera are both revamping their recipes and adding REAL pumpkin in.
  • Yes, it’s double the pumpkin, double the flavor, double the money you’ll be spending this fall.

starbucks animated GIF tumblr_mtckbeIy2X1qhub34o2_400

 

Idaho replaces its 420 mile sign because of potheads

  • Idaho got so fed up with replacing its 420 mile marker on the highway that it decided to replace it completely.
  • Thanks to stoners, there’s now a 419.9 mile marker. V clever.

laughing animated GIF

 

Husband does the best dance for his bride on their wedding day

  • On your lunch break or nap before the pregame out, we strongly suggest you watch this epic groomsmen dance.
  • If you thought that Bruno Mars dance down the aisle video a while back was great, you’ll be blown away by ballet spins these guys do to Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”
  • Okay, they are professional dancers, but planning out this dance takes skills.
  • If you haven’t had a wedding yet, be warned. After watching this, you’re going to want your future husband to do some epic choreographed dance on your big day too.

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