Lol, so I was going down on this girl the other night right. Yes, this is how, after hours of sexual reflection intended to produce a working metaphor that 20somes could apply to their complicated, emotional lives, I’ve decided to begin this deeply introspective journey. No pun intended. Ew.
So, there we were.
There I was.
Just a guy.
Standing in front of a girl.
Asking her to love him.
Pantsless with my shirt still on because I didn’t want my nipples to chafe (smart), one leg bent on the bed, one leg on the ground (safe), hands forward, like I was climbing a rickety ladder, just barking at the ape, eating sushi from the barbershop floor, having spa time for lady boner, talking to Lassie, or whatever you kids call it these days.
Yep, talk about a plot twist.
But this time it was very strange. I was a little drunk but still aware of the contribution I was surrendering at my own accord. There was no television on, no music playing, no humidifier purring, it was just quiet. She wasn’t making a sound because you know, I was bein’ bad. Not naughty, I mean I was doing a very bad job. Not my proudest moment, but I wanted to give her some time to set her alarm clocks and check off any daily tasks listed on her reminders app that she had completed without distraction.
Wow, chivalry in 2016: going down on a girl enthusiastically enough to let her know you’re there, but feeble enough so she can still take care of administrative chores. Anyways, admittedly so, the profound silence of the whole encounter fucked me up a little bit. It inspired a level of observation I’m not used to experiencing while engaged in such a dirty deed. Typically, your boy is focused. As a good man should be when he’s fanny-noshing. Pruning the orchid if you will. Alright I’ll stop. But do yourself a favor and try saying those in your best English accent.
Haha, wasn’t that fun?
So, the night went as nights go:
Followed by, of course:
I sat on the edge of the bed, just staring at her as she awoke, with a gentle smile on my face. Leaned over, stole her nose, giggled, since I really wasn’t actually removing her nose despite her vivid trepidation, kissed her on the forehead and whispered “thank you” in her ear. You know, like most guys do after going home with someone they just met.
She took my heart instead. But in exchange, gave me this nice list of things guys think about while going down on a girl.
So let’s dive right in.
1. I would very much like to touch those boobies. If I can reach them, I will touch them. So. Hard. To. Rea – GOT EM. OMG. OMG I have them. OMG.
2. She’s definitely pretending I’m Chris Hemsworth. But the jokes on her. Because I’m also pretending I’m Chris Hemsworth. Holy shit I’m Chris Hemsworth.
THAT’S BECAUSE I AM CHRIS HEMSWORTH NOW.
3. It’s too quiet. Dang, what I do? Is she dead? Lol I really just killed her. That’s crazy. I want to look at her but I don’t want her to be looking at me. Lol wow, she’s looking at me. Has she been looking at me the whole time? She needs to mind her business foreal.
4. Would I rather have my country be run by Slytherin or Professor Umbridge? I fucking know a weakened Voldemort is hiding under his hair just waiting until he regains his strength.
5. I’m cramping. I’m losing enthusiasm. Will she know if I do the alphabet trick? Jesus what if she starts saying the letters out loud as I do them. I’m not sure if that’d be awesome or embarrassing. DON’T PATRONIZE ME!!
6. Have I been lying on my erection this entire time? This is agonizing. God I hope it just breaks through the mattress and Freddy Krueger grabs it and drags me down to hell.
7. Do I go near the booty? Should I ask? Did she say “uh huh” or “nuh uh”? Whatever Ima do it.
Confirmed. She said “nuh uh.”
8. Thighs are crushing my head. This isn’t cute. This isn’t about being a man. This hurts. Now she’s pulling my hair. Did she just call me a “Jewish piece of shit”? Haha hmmmm.
YO THIS IS NOT CUTE AT ALL PLZZZ.
9. BRO YOU CAN’T JERK MY HEAD AROUND LIKE THAT. IT IS CONNECTED TO MY NECK. LIKE DAMN, YOU NOT TIRED?
10. Clenching sheets, arching back, twitching.
Ladies, even if it’s the truth. You don’t ever need to tell your man he’s bad at sex. Unless you’re in an argument or something and you want to throw low blows. But if you can control yourself, try to use the situation to your advantage. Even if you’re lying, let him know how good he is at going down on you. Guys like to do things they’re good at.
And guys, do it more often. It’s a good way to send your girl off happy so you can just watch her sleep with a smile on her face while you thinking, wow look at how beautiful you are when you ain’t talkin’ shit.