It’s Tuesday, so you know what that means. #SipsTea
Dear Tay Tay,
As your number one fan, I would like to say ILY bitch, but at the same time, I have got some serious shit to discuss with you.
I would like to start out by saying ‘bravo’ on befriending all of the celebs that every teenage girl, including myself, has a Tiger Beat poster of up on their fridge… except for Lena Dunham. She makes me want a hot dog reaaal bad.
Calvin Harris. How did we get there? Actually, I don’t even care about how we got there, because I care where we are going. Seeing that amazing specimen of a man spread across a five floor building in Meatpacking just really does it for me. Which brings me to my point — how long do you think this relationship is going to last? The reason I ask is because if it’s going to be more of a short-term fling like your “relationship” with Harry Styles (RIP HAYLOR), then I need to start doing two-a-days at Equinox so I can be ready to scrape his tarnished soul off of the pavement when your new album “Ode to Calvin” drops and take him back to my West Village gachelor* pad.
Next — Katy Perry. This is a topic that I need some clarification on, but I am still going to tell you what I think. I am so surprised that you aren’t better friends with this betch. You are a self-proclaimed cat lady and Katy’s last name provides the perfect cat pun for all of your playful, yet coy Instagrams (ie: Katy Purrrry). People say that there is some feud involving John Mayer, but I don’t buy it. Jennifer Aniston got over that without any girl drama and our girl Jenny has been put through the ringer with the whole Brangelina drama of 2004. So let’s move on from the KP/TS drama by making an upbeat pop single together. Deal?
Sorry that I had to throw some shade, Tay, but I’m glad that we got this out of the way. I still love you, girl.
All the love,
Who’s going to be my next victim? Find out next Tuesday.
*gachelor: gay bachelor, obvi.