Dear Instagram Model, I Ain’t Mad At You

Jay Cross
“Far worse looking people have done it. So why can’t I?” Jake is a 22-year-old delicious man candy originally from New York and currently living in Miami Beach attending law school. He graduated from the University of Florida in 2014 and used his degree to invest in a Toyota Prius. More information about his Prius can be found on his Instagram handle: “hotguyinaprius”. He drives an Uber part time because lawyers only get paid in movies. Jake doesn’t drink often, but when he does, he prefers it be consecutively for a potentially infinite duration. Jake often drinks.

Dear Instagram model,

I know you’ve been getting some unconscionable criticism lately. Whether it be from a concerned father, furious that you’ve influenced his daughter to share half naked photos of herself cuddling an old man on a yacht accompanied with “#DosEquisGuy and #notmygrandpathatwouldbeweirdlol” caption; a feminist, angered that all women get treated like sex objects because you advertise yourself as such while proceeding to diligently advocate that all women have a choice as to what they do with their bodies; or maybe just a jealous sorority girl, intimidated by the fact that her own 3,548 followers pale in comparison to your 1.3 million and endless free bathing suits that you flaunt on a daily basis.

You need to know that I ain’t mad at you.

I got nothing but love for you.

I be liking your pics and I ain’t gonna boycott you.

You ain’t doing nothing wrong.

Everyone thinks you posted that photo of you rolling around in a bed of flowers, just covered in ants like a cute idiot because you must have low self-esteem and must desperately be seeking the approval of your peers. But I know you don’t care what anybody else thinks. You do it because you’re gorgeous and people should know that.

h animated GIF

Of course you know people are only following you because you have a great body, while people only follow me because I have funny captions and hash tags. I take horrible pictures. What’s the difference? That’s who I am and that’s who you are.

I follow you because you provide me with entertainment. I’m not following you because you inspire me to set higher goals for myself and establish a better relationship with the people close to me. I don’t require anything from you. Just do whatever you want and odds are I will like it.

Social media isn’t for everyone, but it is for you. Sure, it’s important to stay connected and be aware of what’s going on in the world, but what’s wrong with looking at a beautiful babe like yourself, who has strategically captivated the hearts and thumbs of millions of Instagram users and has achieved success in the form of free clothing, exotic vacations and thousands of dollars of real money from product advertising.

That’s amazing that you did that.

We’re all some version of Instagram models. Just far less successful. We whore ourselves out to social media everyday and try to convince people that a nice bicep vein or the perfect “skinny arm pose” means that our life isn’t in shambles. We work just as hard and care just as much about how many likes we get as these Instagram models seemingly do, but they kill it and we don’t. The most we can get is a weirdo from high school saying “SWOLLLLEEEEEEEE” or “Cleavageee lol I c u, how’s your dad?”

So let’s just shush and watch the pros.

I’m not concerned that you could be going to law school or med school instead of just living the great life you have. I don’t need you to be able to provide me with an incredibly intelligent, original perspective on overpopulation, the shifting economy and single parent households. Don’t distract yourself with researching those answers. Do what you know how to do, do what you’re good at. It’s a lesson for everyone. If everyone just did what they were good at, the world would be a much better place.

So, my lovely Instagram models, maybe it’s true, you probably can’t do anything else and that’s fine. Don’t try to do those things. Because what if those other things turn out to be important other things and you mess it all up? You can’t filter your way out of that.

So stay where you’re at. You’re fine where you’re at. We like you where you’re at. You ain’t hurtin’ nobody there. You bein’ cute.as.hell.

Don’t listen to people when they call you cheap or that you lack self confidence. I DM your inbox everyday and ya’ll never answer, and I’m very good looking, that’s strong, I respect that.

I be lovin ya’ll. I ain’t mad. And I’d much rather look at you than not.

subscribe

SIGN ME UP