Why can’t the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with just walk up to me one day, grab me by the package, and say, “this here wiener is mine forever”?
I have been in the dating pool for months now and have had many ups, and many, many downs. I am not saying I want to be in the final relationship of my life at this very moment, but it would be nice to know that the girl (or boy, who knows) exists so I know I am doing this all for a purpose. I am starting to get the vibe that at the end of it all, I will still be a dude who cries himself to sleep while masturbating.
For the record, the tears are from happiness obviously, because it’s far from my first time clearing the snorkel.
Dating around can definitely be fun, but more consistently than that, it is just plain frustrating at times. Going on a number of “failed” dates can make you feel horrible about yourself.
But it really shouldn’t.
Every date I have been on has, to some extent, narrowed my mind in on what I think the person I want to end up with should be like. Assuming this does not turn you off from meeting people or turn you into a snob, it should help you end up at that light at the end of a very bumpy, wet, sometimes rude, maybe cheap, maybe a little boring or stinky tunnel also known as dating.
For those of you who immediately focused on the “stinky tunnel” part of that, just know that I did that on purpose and I hope that comes into play a few more times in your near future so you can think back on this article and think I am a [gross] genius.
Let’s try this well thought-out comparison though. Dating is like an uncircumcised Regis Philbin… I have no idea why, I just wanted you to picture that.
Of course you will go on bad dates. But a ‘bad’ date does not mean a ‘failed’ date. Going on a date in the first place is more or less a success. Did you think you were going to fall in love with the person after your first date and get married and have children? No. You didn’t, because that would be really weird and if you thought that would happen, do yourself a favor and never share that with anyone. But ya know what? If you are the type to think one date is enough to fall in love with someone, there is undoubtedly someone out there who feels the same way, and I hope you find each other.
Dating is terrifying. You know what this looks like. Let me make myself as vulnerable as possible, dress up in what I think is my best outfit, brush my teeth, hair, and pubes (in that order because I use the same brush), and meet someone in a one-on-one situation in a coffee shop or bar or restaurant that I stupidly picked out because some guy on Yelp said he met his wife there. They probably go back there every year to be all cute and then have their annual sex that night and maybe she tries to experiment with a thumb in his bum or hot wax on his balls. I don’t know, I am not married, but one day I will be (I hope), and moments like these are what I am most excited for.
What I am saying is, allow yourself to be vulnerable. Sure that stinky tunnel will leave you with a stingy sensation in your nose, but down the road you will be able to say, “That is where I met my [insert whatever weird nickname you have for your spouse]”, and isn’t that what it is all about?
If someone could please just tell me when it is all said and done that I will be with a girl I am beyond happy with, that would be great. I don’t need to know what she looks like. I don’t need to know what she sounds like or smells like or what she does for a living or how long her stinky tunnel is. I just want to know that she exists and that we will find each other. Preferably that she will find me so I can continue on with my life and not stop watching TV and drinking.
The point is, people, if you need to go on 100 dates to even just find what you like in a person, do it. Don’t think of them as “failures,” don’t become narrow-minded, and if you’re a guy, definitely don’t rip that really long series of farts until she leaves. Holy fuck, do girls do that too..? I guess that will be a topic for another time.